Grammar and Punctuation at the Bar

There are many ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes, including:

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A dyslexic walks into a bra…

There are many variations that include animals, including:

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Freddy?”

There are also a few grammar and punctuation bar jokes:

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

An ellipsis walks into a bar and says…

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

A period walks into a bar and comes to a full stop.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A question mark walks into a bar?

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! We don’t serve your type.”

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

Two Quotation Marks walk “into a bar”.

– Various Authors, including The Bluebird of Bitterness, Eric K. Auld –

Love and Marriage

The Quippery

A bachelor asked a computer dating service to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small, and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”
– Author Unknown –

A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
– Helen Rowland –

A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair
– Erma Bombeck, Book Title –

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
– Somerset Maugham –

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie –

A smart husband is one who saves all the barbershop gossip until after dinner – so that his wife will help him with the dishes.
– Edna May Bush –

Be the one person who’s found a second use for a bridesmaid’s dress.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.
– James C. Dobson –

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
– Author Unknown –

Every man needs a wife. Many things go wrong that can’t be blamed on government.
– E.C. McKenzie –

Forget love — I’d rather fall in chocolate!
– Sandra J. Dykes –

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
– Analogies and Metaphors in High School Essays –

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
– Author Unknown –

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.
– Author Unknown –

Husbands think we should know where everything is – like the uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, “Roseanne, do we have any Chee-tos left?” Like he can’t go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
– Roseanne Barr –

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
– Dick Martin –

I do not refer to myself as a housewife for the reason that I did not marry a house.
– Wilma Scott Heide –

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
– Lewis Grizzard –

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.
– Claire Cloninger –

If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
– Author Unknown –

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– Author Unknown –

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
– Lily Tomlin –

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.
– Estelle Getty –

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free… You either married it or gave birth to it.
– Cartoon Caption –

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
– Katherine Hepburn –

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner –

I’m on my second marriage. You know when you let one guy get away, you’re gonna have to build a taller fence and put better food out.
– Brett Butler –

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
– Marie Corelli –

“I now pronounce you man and wife.” With the possible exceptions of “We have lift-off” and “This country is at war,” there are few phrases as sobering.
– Erma Bombeck –

Let there be spaces in your togetherness.
– Kahlil Gibran –

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
– Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975 –

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.
– Zig Ziglar –

Marriage is a fine institution…if one requires institutionalizing.
– S. Freud –

Marriage is like a horse with a broken leg – you can shoot it, but that doesn’t fix the leg.
– Author Unknown –

Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
– Billy Connolly –

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.
– Calvin Trillin –

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
– George Bernard Shaw –

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
– Helen Rowland –

Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.
– Robert Brault –

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
– Ogden Nash –

Marriage is the only union that can’t be organized. Both sides think they’re management.
– Author Unknown –

Marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
– Helen Rowland –

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
– Jean Kerr –

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them.
– Jefferson Machamer –

Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.
– Frances Rodman –

Matrimony; the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
– Heinrich Heine –

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner –

My kids were from an era in which a bride showed up at her wedding in curlers and when someone asked why, she said, “We may go someplace special afterward.”
– Erma Bombeck –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said ‘This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.’ I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
– Author Unknown –

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence.
– Erma Bombeck –

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and tried to beat her;
But his wife was a suffragette,
And Peter’s in the hospital yet.
– Author Unknown –

People often ask why I never married. My answer is simple. I’m all for the battle of the sexes. I just don’t believe in taking prisoners.
– Richard Chamberlain –

Son: Dad, did you know in other countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married? Dad: It’s like that everywhere, son…
– Author Unknown –

Thank-you for our life together and for all the times in the past when you’ve understood when I forgot to say it…thank-you.
– Author Unknown –

The ability to listen with the eyes, to appear to be fascinated while the portals of the ear close tight and the mind goes off on pleasant journeys of its own, is a purely feminine accomplishment. God gives that gift to woman so she may stay married to the same man for years, and still smile.
– Frank Case –

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
– A.P. Herbert –

The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn’t marry me.
– Robert Brault –

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship.
– Iris Murdoch –

There was a rough stone age and a smooth stone age and a bronze age, and many years afterward a cut-glass age. In the cut-glass age, when young ladies had persuaded young men with long, curly mustaches to marry them, they sat down several months afterward and wrote thank-you notes for all sorts of cut-glass presents…
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Cut-Glass Bowl –

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.
– Linda Festa –

The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
– Author Unknown –

The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.
– Peter DeVries –

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.
– Rose Sands –

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
– Erich Segal –

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
– Groucho Marx –

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
– Carrie Snow –

You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
– Dr. Seuss –


The Quippery

A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines.
– Benjamin Franklin –

A friend is somebody who knows all about you and likes you anyway.
– Author Unknown –

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
– Erma Bombeck –

An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
– Jim Hayes –

Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
– W.H. Auden –

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
– Bernard Meltzer –

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
– American Proverb –

Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend.
– Albert Camus –

Friendship feels equally at home in breezy fellowship and in dense soul-searching at three o’clock in the morning.
– Eve Rockett –

Human life is human relatedness. No one lives alone. Robinson Crusoe is a feat of literary imagination. – Gregory Vlastos –

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… well not too humid, because you know… my hair.
– Author Unknown –

I’m amazed at people who wake up by themselves. I have a friend who says, “The sun wakes me up. I don’t need an alarm.” I find that amazing. The only way the sun could wake me up is if it set me on fire.
– Livia Squires –

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’
– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh –

Keep waving even after you’ve realized the person you’re waving to isn’t who you thought it was.
– Stewart, Dee Ann –

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
– Spike Milligan –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Notice how class reunions never include a pool party.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
– George Carlin –

One sure way to lose another woman’s friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.
– Marcelene Cox –

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
– Rita Mae Brown –

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
– Linda Grayson –

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
– D.T. Gentry –

Tell me the company you keep, and I’ll tell you who you are.
– Proverb –

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
– Roderick Thorp –

We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
– Author Unknown –

When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.
– Diane Von Furstenberg –

You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.
– Author Unknown –

You owe the gas company. You owe Bloomingdales. You don’t owe your friends.
– Author Unknown –

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
– Author Unknown –


The Quippery

A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. The mother said, “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.”
“Who is that?” asked the daughter.
“Oh,”” answered the mother, “The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt. She’s the family genealogist!”
– Author Unknown –

Family trees are self-pruners… everyone dies in the end!
– Author Unknown –

Family tree? Ours is a shrub!
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

Found a Yankee in my tree – will trade for horse thief or black sheep.
– Author Unknown –

Genealogy: an attempt to prove the theory of relativity.
– Mary Kearns Trace –

Genealogists diet: Fiche and Ships topped with tantalizing Sources.
– abaysview –

He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother’s aunt’s sister’s husband.
– Author Unknown –

If your family tree doesn’t fork? You might be a Redneck.
– Jeff Foxworthy –

I’m always late. My ancestors must have arrived on the Juneflower.
– Author Unknown –

I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.
– abaysview –

I researched my family tree… apparently I don’t exist!
– abaysview –

I wish I could relate to the people I’m related to.
-Jeff Foxworthy –

Jeanealogy: the study of Levis and Wranglers.
– Author Unknown –

Just follow my roots. I’ll turnip somewhere!
– Author Unknown –

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program.
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
– Elayne Boosler –

“My ancestors were all famous for military genius.”
My Lady smiled graciously. “It often runs in families,” she remarked: “just as a love for pastry does.”
– Lewis Carroll –

My family tree needs more wood and less sap.
– Author Unknown –

My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal?
– The American-French Genealogical Soc. –

Old genealogists don’t die, they just lose their census.
– abaysview –

Remember, undocumented genealogy is mythology.
– abaysview –

The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.
– Bern Williams –

The cat sitting at the keyboard of the computer explains to the cat watching: “So far I’ve discovered I was in a litter of eight and my mother’s name was Fluffy!”
– Cockney Ancestor #89 –

The only surname not found among the three billion in the Mormon Archives is yours.
– abaysview –

The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated when the platform collapsed turned out to be a hanging.
– abaysview –

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
– Helen Keller –

The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

We’ve uncovered some embarrassing ancestors in the not-too-distant past. Some horse thieves, and some people killed on Saturday nights. One of my relatives, unfortunately, was even in the newspaper business.
– Jimmy Carter –

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Mark Twain –

You’re a Genealogist If…
– You hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
– You’d rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
– You can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, Kent on a map of England, but can’t locate Topeka, Kansas.
– abaysview –

Flying Machines and Flight

The Quippery

Airline agent to waiting passengers: “Boarding first will be the disgruntled, followed by the hopelessly late and, finally, the just plain infuriated.”
– Charles Almon –

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.”
– Dave Barry –

Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means. Hence… airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash.
– Cecil Beaton –

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker.
– Custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam –

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
– Gil Stern –

Did you hear about the little old lady in the US who wasn’t allowed to take her crochet hooks on board the airplane … they were afraid she was going to make an afghan.
– Author Unknown –

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes.
-Author Unknown –

Every time I fly and am forced to remove my shoes, I’m grateful Richard Reid is not known as the Underwear Bomber.
— Douglas Manuel, aerospace executive –

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It’s just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
— Captain Rex Kramer, Airplane Movie-

Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
– Dave Barry –

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
– Dave Barry –

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
– Author Unknown –

I did not fully understand the dread term ‘terminal illness’ until I saw Heathrow Airport for myself.
– Dennis Potter –

I don’t have a fear of flying; I have a fear of crashing.
– Billy Bob Thornton –

If black boxes survive air crashes — why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
– George Carlin –

If you want to be a millionaire, start with a billion dollars and launch a new airline.”
– Sir Richard Branson, Virgin –

I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
– David Letterman –

In the Alaska bush I’d rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.
– Kurt Wien –

“It looks like flyin’ is mostly tryin’ to land”, and Carmody clapped him on the back. “Son, you just learned all there is to know about aviation. Any damned fool can get a plane up in the air. Trick is to get it down.”
– James A. Michener, Alaska –

It was as though they had been plunged into a fabulous dream.
This, thought Harry, was surely the only way to travel — past swirls and turrets of snowy cloud, in a car full of hot, bright sunlight, with a fat pack of toffees in the glove compartment…
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets –

I was lying there looking up at all the dials … and toggle switches on the control panel and I thought “Good grief, just think, this thing was built by the lowest bidder.”
– Wally Schirra, Mercury 5 Astronaut –

Just saw a career counselor. Turns out I’d be perfect working for the airlines because I’m always late and I lose things.
– Simone Alexander –

Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates.
– Doug Larson –

Most big companies don’t like you very much, except hotels, airlines and Microsoft, which don’t like you at all.
– Bill Bryson –

Newton’s Law states that what goes up, must come down. Our Company Commander’s Law states that what goes up and comes down had damn well better be able to go back up again.
– sign in the Operations Office of the 187th Assault Helicopter Company, Tay Ninh, Viet Nam, 1971 –

Part of a WestJet flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of WestJet Airways.”
– Flight Attendant –

She would arrive every July by helicopter, her favourite form of transport. “The chopper has transformed my life,” she once remarked, “almost as much as it transformed Anne Boleyn’s”.
– Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, Heritage Today, June 2002 –

The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage.
– Author Unknown –

There are two critical points in every aerial flight – its beginning and its end.
– Alexander Graham Bell, 1906 –

There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways off this airplane.
– Flight Attendant –

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.
– Peggy Ryan –

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
– Mark Russell –

The weather in San Fancisco is 61 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
– Pilot Announcement –

To prevent our passengers from arriving at the terminal before our aircraft, please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened.
– Author Unknown –

Trouble in the air is very rare. It is hitting the ground that causes it.
— Amelia Earhart, 20 Hrs 40 Mins 1928. –

United hired gentlemen with the expectation of training them to become pilots, Northwest hired pilots hoping to train them to become gentlemen. To date, despite their best efforts, neither carrier can be considered successful.
– Ed Thompson –

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
– Werner von Braun, comment on the business side of putting a man on the moon –

We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?
— Cockpit crew, Airplane Movie –

Why can’t the airline industry understand that people simply want an airport they can reach in five minutes, to board a plane that won’t fly over anybody’s house?
– Bill Vaughan –

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
– Frank Zappa –

You land a million planes safely, then you have one little mid-air and you never hear the end of it …
— Air Traffic Controller, New York TRACON, Westbury Long island. Opening quotation in the 1999 movie Pushing Tin –

Law and Order


The Quippery

After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals.
– The Two Ronnies –

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
– Howard Scott –

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
– –

If you don’t know there’s a trampoline in the room, you’re not going to dust the ceiling for prints.
– Law and Order TV Show –

I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (New York Mayor when accused of not paying his taxes.)
– David Denkins –

Is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read notice.
– Sign in Tokyo Hotel –

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
– Woody Allen –

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.
– Oscar Wilde –

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
– Woody Allen –

The activities director at a state correctional institution in Pennsylvania points out the limitations of a prison athletic program: No pole-vaulting, no cross-country running and no away games.
– Herm Albright –

There’s the scarlet thread of murder running through the colourless skein of life, and our duty is to unravel it, and isolate it, and expose every inch of it.
– Holmes, in “A Study in Scarlet”, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle –

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
– Will Rogers –

When I was a boy, my moma would send me down to a corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. You can’t do that now – too many security cameras.
– Author Unknown –

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone
– Al Capone –

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
– Author Unknown –


99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
– Steven Wright –

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”
– Franz Kafka –

A Lawyer Says: “Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”
Which means: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
-Author Unknown –

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. “How’s it going?” someone asked. “Not too bad,” answered Diogenes. “I still have my lantern.”
– Author Unknown –

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
– Steven Wright –

I don’t believe man is woman’s natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is.
– Shana Alexander –

Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments,
if lawyers had written ‘The Ten Commandments’.
– Harry Bender –

I wholly disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
– S.G. Tallentyre, The Friends of Voltaire (1906) –

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
– Ambrose Bierce –

Litigation is the basic legal right which guarantees every corporation its decade in court.
– David Porter –

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
– Will Rogers –

No written law has ever been more binding than unwritten custom supported by popular opinion.
– Carrie Chapman Catt –

Lawyers are like beavers: They get in the mainstream and damn it up.
– John Naisbitt, Megatrends –

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Author Unknown –

Somebody recently figured out that we have 35 million laws to enforce the ten commandments.
– Bert Masterson or Earl Wilson –

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
– Henry David Thoreau –

Talk is cheap – unless you hire a lawyer.
– Wayne Mackey –

The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
– Will Rogers –

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Two thirds of the world’s lawyers are located in the United States. This has led, in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export product.
– Author Unknown –

We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
– Ronald Reagan –

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.
– Guindon –

What we need to do is to stop passing laws. We have enough laws now to govern the world for the next 10,000 years. Every crank who has a foolish notion that he would like to impose upon everybody else hastens to some legislative body and demands that it be graven upon the statutes. Every fanatic who wants to control his neighbor’s conduct is here or at some other legislative body demanding that a law be passed to regulate that neighbor’s conduct.
– James A. Reed, in 67 Congressional Record 10,708 (1926) –

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
– Norm Crosby –

Card Playing

The Quippery quotation

A well-adjusted person is one who can play bridge or golf as if they were games.
– Author Unknown –

Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability, than in poker.
– Steve Badget

If, after the first twenty minutes, you don’t know who the sucker at the table is, it’s you.
– David Levien and Brian Koppelman –

If looks could kill, a lot of people would die with bridge cards in their hands.
– Best of Bridge –

If you are going to build something in the air it is always better to build castles than houses of cards.
– Georg C. Lichtenberg –

If you’re lost in the woods, start playing solitaire with a pack of cards. Someone is sure to show up and tell you to put the red jack on the black queen.
– Author Unknown –

I’m probably one of the worst people with numbers you’ve ever met. My brothers always kid that they think I’m counting cards in Vegas, but I’m just trying to add things up.
– Luke Wilson –

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
– Darrin Weinberg –

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
– Steven Wright –

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
– Author Unknown –

Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.
– Author Unknown –

One of the world’s most popular entertainments is a deck of cards, which contains thirteen each of four suits, highlighted by kings, queens and jacks, who are possibly the queen’s younger, more attractive boyfriends.
– Lemony Snicket –

One of the world’s most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island, because people always answer “a deck of cards” or “Anna Karenina” when the obvious answer is ‘a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.’
– Lemony Snicket –

Rummy is deservedly popular because it is easy to learn, fast to play, suitable for all ages, playable by any number, and as suitable for gamblers as for missionaries – though perhaps not both at once.
– David Parlett –

The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius.
-Julius “Big Julie” Weintraub –

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
– Finley Peter Dunne –

Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
– V.P. Pappy –