Career

Law and Order

Crime

The Quippery

After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals.
– The Two Ronnies –

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
– Howard Scott –

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
– Dontpokethebear.com –

If you don’t know there’s a trampoline in the room, you’re not going to dust the ceiling for prints.
– Law and Order TV Show –

I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (New York Mayor when accused of not paying his taxes.)
– David Denkins –

Is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read notice.
– Sign in Tokyo Hotel –

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
– Woody Allen –

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.
– Oscar Wilde –

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
– Woody Allen –

The activities director at a state correctional institution in Pennsylvania points out the limitations of a prison athletic program: No pole-vaulting, no cross-country running and no away games.
– Herm Albright –

There’s the scarlet thread of murder running through the colourless skein of life, and our duty is to unravel it, and isolate it, and expose every inch of it.
– Holmes, in “A Study in Scarlet”, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle –

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
– Will Rogers –

When I was a boy, my moma would send me down to a corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. You can’t do that now – too many security cameras.
– Author Unknown –

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone
– Al Capone –

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
– Author Unknown –

Law

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
– Steven Wright –

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”
– Franz Kafka –

A Lawyer Says: “Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”
Which means: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
-Author Unknown –

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. “How’s it going?” someone asked. “Not too bad,” answered Diogenes. “I still have my lantern.”
– Author Unknown –

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
– Steven Wright –

I don’t believe man is woman’s natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is.
– Shana Alexander –

Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments,
if lawyers had written ‘The Ten Commandments’.
– Harry Bender –

I wholly disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
– S.G. Tallentyre, The Friends of Voltaire (1906) –

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
– Ambrose Bierce –

Litigation is the basic legal right which guarantees every corporation its decade in court.
– David Porter –

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
– Will Rogers –

No written law has ever been more binding than unwritten custom supported by popular opinion.
– Carrie Chapman Catt –

Lawyers are like beavers: They get in the mainstream and damn it up.
– John Naisbitt, Megatrends –

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Author Unknown –

Somebody recently figured out that we have 35 million laws to enforce the ten commandments.
– Bert Masterson or Earl Wilson –

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
– Henry David Thoreau –

Talk is cheap – unless you hire a lawyer.
– Wayne Mackey –

The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
– Will Rogers –

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Two thirds of the world’s lawyers are located in the United States. This has led, in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export product.
– Author Unknown –

We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
– Ronald Reagan –

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.
– Guindon –

What we need to do is to stop passing laws. We have enough laws now to govern the world for the next 10,000 years. Every crank who has a foolish notion that he would like to impose upon everybody else hastens to some legislative body and demands that it be graven upon the statutes. Every fanatic who wants to control his neighbor’s conduct is here or at some other legislative body demanding that a law be passed to regulate that neighbor’s conduct.
– James A. Reed, in 67 Congressional Record 10,708 (1926) –

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
– Norm Crosby –

Categories: Career

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