Author: Margy

Religion and Spirituality Quotations

A country church – people wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were trout or northern pike. – Author Unknown – A country church – the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash. – Author Unknown – And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corner of the world. Then He made the earth round… and laughed and laughed and laughed. – Themetapicture.com – Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. – Eleanor Roosevelt – Even if you don’t believe a word of the Bible, you’ve got to respect the person who typed all that. – Lotus Weinstock – For when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name, He writes – not that you won …

Grammar and Punctuation at the Bar

There are many ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes, including: Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. A dyslexic walks into a bra… There are many variations that include animals, including: A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Freddy?” There are also a few grammar and punctuation bar jokes: A bar was walked into by the passive voice. A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph. A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. An ellipsis walks into a bar and says… An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. A period walks into a bar and comes to a full stop. A synonym strolls into a tavern. At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar …

Love and Marriage

A bachelor asked a computer dating service to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small, and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.” – Author Unknown – A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting. – Helen Rowland – A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair – Erma Bombeck, Book Title – American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. – Somerset Maugham – An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie – A smart husband is one who saves all the barbershop gossip until after dinner – so that his wife will help him with the dishes. – Edna May Bush – Be the one person who’s found a second use for a bridesmaid’s dress. – Dee Ann …

Friends

A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines. – Benjamin Franklin – A friend is somebody who knows all about you and likes you anyway. – Author Unknown – A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck – An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. – Jim Hayes – Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. – W.H. Auden – A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. – Bernard Meltzer – Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most. – American Proverb – Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake. – Author Unknown – Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow …

Genealogy

A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. The mother said, “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.” “Who is that?” asked the daughter. “Oh,”” answered the mother, “The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt. She’s the family genealogist!” – Author Unknown – Family trees are self-pruners… everyone dies in the end! – Author Unknown – Family tree? Ours is a shrub! – The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History – Found a Yankee in my tree – will trade for horse thief or black sheep. – Author Unknown – Genealogy: an attempt to prove the theory of relativity. – Mary Kearns Trace – Genealogists diet: Fiche and Ships topped with tantalizing Sources. – abaysview – He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother’s aunt’s sister’s husband. – Author Unknown – If your family tree doesn’t fork? You might be …

Flying Machines and Flight

Airline agent to waiting passengers: “Boarding first will be the disgruntled, followed by the hopelessly late and, finally, the just plain infuriated.” – Charles Almon – Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.” – Dave Barry – Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means. Hence… airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash. – Cecil Beaton – And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker. – Custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam – Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute. – Gil Stern – Did you hear about the little old lady in the US who wasn’t allowed to take her crochet hooks on board the airplane … …

Law and Order

Crime After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals. – The Two Ronnies – A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. – Howard Scott – If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there. – Dontpokethebear.com – If you don’t know there’s a trampoline in the room, you’re not going to dust the ceiling for prints. – Law and Order TV Show – I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (New York Mayor when accused of not paying his taxes.) – David Denkins – Is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read notice. – Sign in Tokyo Hotel – I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. – Woody Allen – Murder …

Card Playing

A well-adjusted person is one who can play bridge or golf as if they were games. – Author Unknown – Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability, than in poker. – Steve Badget If, after the first twenty minutes, you don’t know who the sucker at the table is, it’s you. – David Levien and Brian Koppelman – If looks could kill, a lot of people would die with bridge cards in their hands. – Best of Bridge – If you are going to build something in the air it is always better to build castles than houses of cards. – Georg C. Lichtenberg – If you’re lost in the woods, start playing solitaire with a pack of cards. Someone is sure to show up and tell you to put the red jack on the black queen. – Author Unknown – I’m probably one of the worst people with numbers you’ve ever met. My brothers always …

Advice and Mistakes

Accept good advice gracefully – as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you intend to do in the first place. – Gene Brown – Accept the fact that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue! – Author Unknown – A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. – E. W. Howe – All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton – Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. – Author Unknown – Creativity is often blocked by trying to be perfect. Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. – Tony Robbins – Experience is a marvelous thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake whenever you make it again. – Franklin P. Jones – Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld – I always pass on good …