Category: Food Drink

Coffee and Tea

The Quippery

All the coffee in Columbia won’t make me a morning person.
– Author Unknown –

American-style iced tea is the perfect drink for a hot, sunny day. It’s never really caught on in the UK, probably because the last time we had a hot, sunny day was back in 1957.
– Tom Holt –

A morning without coffee is like sleep.
– Author Unknown –

As far as her mom was concerned, tea fixed everything. Have a cold? Have some tea. Broken bones? There’s a tea for that too. Somewhere in her mother’s pantry, Laurel suspected, was a box of tea that said, ‘In case of Armageddon, steep three to five minutes’.
– Aprilynne Pike, Illusions –

Bread and water can so easily be toast and tea.
– Author Unknown –

COFFEE.SYS Not Found: User startup disabled.
– Author Unknown –

C:\COFFEE.POT missing (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep?
– Author Unknown –

Déjà Brew: The feeling that you’ve had this coffee before.
– Author Unknown –

Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?
– Author Unknown –

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
– Jean Kerr –

I’ll quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight, but I’ll get used to it. It’ll still be the best part of waking up.
– Television show Will and Grace –

I’m a little teapot, short and stout.
Here is my handle. Here is my spout.
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout.
Tip me over and pour me out!
– The Teapot Song, George Harold Sanders and Clarence Z. Kelley –

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.
Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.
Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has traveled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.
– David Walliams, Mr Stink –

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
– Ronald Reagan –

In Seattle you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.
– Jeff Bezos –

Honestly, if you’re given the choice between Armageddon or tea, you don’t say ‘what kind of tea?”
– Neil Gaiman –

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.
-Dave Barry –

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things that I can’t.
– Author Unknown –

Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish.
– Author Unknown –

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.
– Billy Connolly –

“Police work wouldn’t be possible without coffee,” Wallander said.
“No work would be possible without coffee.”
They pondered the importance of coffee in silence.
– Henning Mankell, One Step Behind –

Retirement is one great big giant coffee break.
– Author Unknown –

Strange how a teapot can represent at the same time the comforts of solitude and the pleasures of company
– Author Unknown –

The coffee was so strong it snarled as it lurched out of the pot.
– Betty MacDonald –

The cup of tea on arrival at a country house is a thing which, as a rule, I particularly enjoy. I like the crackling logs, the shaded lights, the scent of buttered toast, the general atmosphere of leisured coziness.
– P.G. Wodehouse –

The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., Over the Teacups –

This coffee falls into your stomach, and straightway there is a general commotion… From that moment on, everything becomes agitated. Ideas quick-march into motion like battalions of a grand army to its legendary fighting ground, and the battle rages. Memories charge in, bright flags on high; the cavalry of metaphor deploys with a magnificent gallop; the artillery of logic rushes up with clattering wagons and cartridges; on imagination’s orders, sharpshooters sight and fire; forms and shapes and characters rear up; the paper is spread with ink – for the nightly labor begins and ends with torrents of this black water, as a battle opens and concludes with black powder.
– Honoré de Balzac, The Pleasures and Pains of Coffee –

Ultimate office automation — networked coffee machines.
– Author Unknown –

Under certain circumstances there are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.
– Henry James, The Portrait of a Lady –

Water is the most essential element of life, because without it you can’t make coffee.
– Author Unknown –

Way too much coffee. But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
– David Letterman –

You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.
– C.S. Lewis –


The Quippery

Advice from a Pumpkin: Be well-rounded. Get plenty of sunshine. Give thanks for life’s bounty. Have a thick skin. Keep growing. Be outstanding in your field. Think big!
– Ilan Shamir –

After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.
-Miss Piggy –

Any dish that has either a taste or an appearance that can be improved by parsley is ipso facto a dish unfit for human consumption.
– Ogden Nash –

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
– Henry L. Mencken –

Butternut squash is a real letdown. No butter, no nuts, just squash.
– Author Unknown –

Calories are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food but a member of the plywood family provided by mother nature so that we would have a way to get onion dip into our mouths, has none.
– Dave Barry –

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
– Author Unknown –

Do you hunt your own truffles or do you hire a pig?
– Jean McClatchy –

During a bull session about human nature, a friend made this observation: “When we make sandwiches, we begin with square bread, round meat, rectangular pickles, slices of tomatoes, chopped onion and flat lettuce. We then cut the sandwich diagonally – and get angry when pieces of it fall on the floor.”
– Edward K. Ulery –

End world hunger. Grow Zucchini.
– Author Unknown –

Even today, well-brought up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.
– Calvin Trillin –

Facts must be faced. Vegetables simply don’t taste as good as most other things do.
– Peg Bracken, The Compleat I Hate to Cook Book –

First off, let’s clear this up—fries are not a side dish and you can’t count those as a vegetable. Sorry.
– Tez Brooks, The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce –

Four year old Bob was so anti-spinach that when he was served asparagus for the first time, he moaned, “Oh, no! Not spinach legs!”
– Mildred Sherrer –

Give Peas a Chance.
– Pun – Author Unknown –

How to eat spinach like a child – Divide into little piles – rearrange again into new piles – repeat. After five or six maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.
– Delia Ephron –

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
– Author Unknown –

I don’t want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me.
– Douglas Coupland –

If you stir coconut oil into your kale while you cook it, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
– Author Unknown –

It’s possible to feel full when it comes to more vegetables, but not full when it comes to a piece of cake.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables’.
– Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached? –

I’ve tried that Japanese decluttering trend where you hold each thing you own and throw it out if it doesn’t give you joy. So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables and the electric bill.
– Author Unknown –

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
– Rita Rudner –

Jonah’s adaptive niche in the family ecosystem was to be the perfect grandchild, eager to scramble up on laps, unafraid of bitter vegetables, underexcited by television and computer games, and skilled at cheerfully answering questions like “Are you loving school?”
– Jonathan Franzen, The Corrections –

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable. Wisdom is knowing not to include it in a fruit salad.
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll –

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
– Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life, 1978 –

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
– Andy Rooney –

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
– Doug Larson –

Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks.
– Marilyn Wann –

Life itself is like an onion: it has a bewildering number of layers; you peel them off, one by one, and sometimes you cry.
– Carl Sandburg –

Mother to child at the dinner table: “It seems like yesterday we practically had to hit you over the head to get you to eat your vegetables. Now all of a sudden you’re a vegetarian.
– Joe E. Buresch –

…nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people pretend to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it, tastes even better with capers not in it.
– Nora Ephron, Heartburn –

Overheard on a bus: “My worry about genetically altered vegetables is that my daughter seems to be dating one”.
– Bill Tammeus –

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.
– Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader –

Someone keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper.
– –

Some people cry when cutting onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond with the vegetable.
– constantly_varied_gear –

The beet is the most intense of vegetables. The radish, admittedly, is more feverish, but the fire of the radish is a cold fire, the fire of discontent, not of passion. Tomatoes are lusty enough, yet there runs through tomatoes an undercurrent of frivolity. Beets are deadly serious.
– Tom Robbins, ‘A Cook’s book of Quotations’ –

The connecting link between the animal and vegetable (plant) kindgom is stew.
– E.C. McKenzie –

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain –

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
– Dave Barry –

Then the zucchini started to arrive; first those lovely little delicacies, then the hefty meal-in-a-zucchini – the ones that can be stacked like cordwood or shipped off to the Guiness Book of World Records. At this point the neighbors finally realized that things were getting out of control. They had planted a 25 foot row.
– Harrowsmith #14 –

The question of common sense is always what is it good for? — a question which would abolish the rose and be answered triumphantly by the cabbage.
– James Russell Lowell –

To my favorite honeydew, do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you, with your turnip nose, and radish face.
You are a peach. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
– Author Unknown –

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
– Jim Davis –

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
– Fran Lebowitz, ‘Metropolitan Life’ –

“Vegetarian” is an old Indian word meaning “I don’t hunt so good.”
– Reg Hunter, The Red Green Show –

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
– Author Unknown –

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
– Author Unknown –

Zucchinis terrific!
Like bunnies, prolific!
– Author Unknown –

Alcohol and Soft Drink Quotations


The Quippery

Alternative Energy: A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drank an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
– Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader –

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
– Stephen Wright –

Canada has many competitive advantages in making world class beers: proximity to malt barley, large fresh water supply, educated workforce and more than 10 million local beer drinkers.
– Beer Canada –

I always do my best thinking over a glass of beer. Two heads are better than one.
– From the Best of Bridge –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Irwin Corey –

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
– Dave Barry –

When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.
– Samuel Butler –

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry –

Other Alcohol

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway –

Always remember, Clemmie, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Because you are wrong, you know, when you say that drink is a disease. It is the nostrum of the lost, the panacea of the unhappy. They drink to drown their sorrows, and because sorrows, alas, know how to swim, they must drink deeper and ever deeper.
– Katherine Roy –

Buck and Ear Pub
– Fun Pun Name found on the internet –

But I’m not so think as you drunk I am.
– Sir J.C. Squire –

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
– Author Unknown –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they’re dead.
– Laura Kightliner –

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

I’ll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
– Hawkeye – M*A*S*H 1973 –

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
-Author Unknown –

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine –

That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
– Charles Bukowski, Women –

There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.
– Stephen King –

To be safe on the Fourth
Don’t buy a fifth on the third.
– James H. Muehlbauer –

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
– Paul Clisura –

You can’t drown your sorrows; they know how to swim.
– Gladiola Montana, short version of quotation by Katherine Roy  –

Soft Drinks

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

Make no bones about it, soft drinks are taking over. If the soda industry has its way, kids will be pouring Coke over their Count Chocula.

Dessert and Candy

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
– Author Unknown –

A bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. “You want to be careful with those,” Ron warned Harry. “When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor – you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate and peppermint and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he had a booger-flavored one once.”
Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.
“Bleaaargh – see? Sprouts.”
– J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone –

After you’ve eaten all the raw cookie dough, you might as well turn off the oven.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
– Jim Fiebig –

A party without cake is just a meeting.
– Julia Child –

Cheese popcorn is not a dairy product.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Dessert should close the meal gently and not in a pyrotechnic blaze of glory. No cultivated feeder, already well fed, thanks his host for confronting him with a dessert so elaborate that not to eat it is simply rude – like refusing to watch one’s host blow up Bloomingdale’s.
– Alan Koehler, ‘Madison Avenue Cook Book’ –

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
– Author Unknown –

Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec.
– J. Hart –

I doubt whether the world holds for anyone a more soul-stirring surprise than the first adventure with ice cream.
– Heywood Broun –

I prefer to regard a dessert as I would imagine the perfect woman: subtle, a little bittersweet, not blowsy and extrovert. Delicately made up, not highly rouged. Holding back, not exposing everything and, of course, with a flavor that lasts.
– Graham Kerr –

Life is like an 6-slice apple pie at a 12-guest dinner banquet. If you just sit back and wait for it to come to you, chances are, you’re going to miss dessert.
– Donald L. Hicks, Look into the stillness –

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
– Ernestine Ulmer –

Man at bakery: Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out. But I can usually sedate him with four or five doughnuts.
– Author Unknown –

Mousse: How pudding describes itself on its résumé!
– Last Week Tonight with John Oliver –

One gloomy spring day my wife, who seldom bakes, asked our three year old daughter if she’d like to help her bake some cookies. Kaylah looked up at her mom in surprise and asked, “Is it Christmas again?”
– Jamey Gormley –

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over –

Question: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Answer: A cookie sheet.
– Author Unknown –

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
-Erma Bombeck –

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
– Author Unknown –

These days, you never know what’s going to happen next. Ergo, eat your dessert first.
– Author Unknown –

Think what a better world it would be if we all had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap.
– Robert Fulghum –

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate the eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.
– Gracie Allen –

We dare not trust our wit for making our house pleasant to our friend, so we buy ice cream.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson –

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
– Jim Davis –

You can say this for ready-mixes — the next generation isn’t going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.
– Earl Wilson –

You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.
– Ronald Reagan –


The Quippery

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
– Author Unknown –

(President ) Bill Clinton’s foreign policy experience stems mainly from having breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.
– Pat Buchanan –

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.
– Fran Lebowitz –

If it’s not chocolate, it’s not breakfast.
– Laini Taylor –

If you want breakfast in bed tomorrow, sleep in the kitchen tonight.
– Author Unknown –

I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?
– Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter –

I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
– Demetri Martin –

In Wilson’s scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality.
– Robert A. Heinlein, By His Bootstraps –

I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don’t require so much cooking.
– Carrie Snow –

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
– Steven Wright –

I’ve been finding things in the forest,” said Tigger importantly. “I’ve found a pooh and a piglet and an eeyore, but I can’t find any breakfast.
– A.A. Milne –

Men are very strange. When they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have these recipes.
– Elayne Boosler –

Norman Carter revealed that he had perfected a method of cooking pancakes on the bottom of an iron. “Steam irons are no good,” he explained. “The batter gets into the little holes.”
– Author Unknown –

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
– Robert Orben –

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
– A.P. Herbert –

The difference between involvement and commitment is like a ham and eggs breakfast. The chicken was involved – the pig committed.
– Author Unknown –

There are some days where I forget to eat the entire day, and then there are days where I have first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, third breakfast, tea, dinner, soupsies, supper, night lunch, midnight snack and one-in-the-morning snack.
– Author Unknown –

There’s something about getting up at 5 a.m., feeding the stock and chickens, and milking a couple of cows before breakfast that gives you a lifelong respect for the price of butter and eggs.
– Bill Vaughan –

What is my loftiest ambition? I’ve always wanted to throw an egg into an electric fan.
– Oliver Herford –

When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
– Winston Churchill –

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”
“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh. “What do you say, Piglet?”
“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
“It’s the same thing,” he said.
– A.A. Milne –

Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
– Lewis Carroll –


14-friend-chocolate The Quippery

After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.
– Mel Gibson –

Among life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of chocolate can make a person gain five pounds.
– Unknown –

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
– Sandra Boynton, Chocolate: The Consuming Passion –

Because I am an awesome parent, I’m currently helping my kids search for their chocolate that I ate last night.
– Author Unknown –

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
– Sandra Boynton –

Chocolate: Here today …. Gone today!
– Unknown –

Chocolate is an antidepressant, which is especially useful as you start to gain weight.
– Jason Love –

Dip it in chocolate; it’ll be fine.
– Unknown –

For me, it’s always easy to choose between the ultimate, the infinite and the chocolate.
– Ashleigh Brilliant –

I could give up chocolate but I’m not a quitter.
– Unknown –

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
– Unknown –

If you had to choose between losing weight or chocolate, would you pick dark, white or with milk?
– Unknown –

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.
– Unknown –

Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but woman sure can.
– Author Unknown –

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
– Dave Barry –

Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.
– Author Unknown –

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
– Author Unknown –

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produced some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.
– Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today Show –

Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.
– Sandra Boynton –

Save the earth… It’s the only planet with chocolate!
– Author Unknown –

Strength is the capacity to break a Hershey bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.
― Judith Viorst, Love & Guilt & The Meaning Of Life, Etc –

There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.
– Author Unknown –

There is nothing better than a good friend, unless it is a good friend with chocolate.
– Linda Grayson –

The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and Shakespeare…neither knew chocolate.
– Sandra Boynton –

The 12-step chocolate program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!
– Terry Moore –

There’s more to life than chocolate, but not right now.
– Unknown –

Meals, Cooking and Eating

10-hamburger-surprise The Quippery

A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog.
– IKEA sign in a store –

And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven’t yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food?
– Bill Bryson –

Anyone eating an entire can of albacore white tuna packed in water for a snack must be prepared to work out financial arrangements.
– Erma Bombeck –

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
– L.M. Boyd –

A person who observes the rules of proper nutrition is a person who should never be placed in charge of a barbecue.
– Dave Barry –

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles –

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz –

At a dinner party: “I came from a well-to-do family. My mother was always saying, “Well, to do that, you’ll need more money.”
– Cathryn Baker Hopkins –

Behind every successful man there’s a woman saying: “What do you mean you’re going to be late for dinner?”
– Robert Orben –

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarfs began to suspect ‘Hungry’…
– Gary Larson, The Far Side –

Chaos is six women plus one luncheon check.
– Author Unknown –

Chili is much improved by having had a day to contemplate its fate.
– John Gordon Steele –

Chinese food – you do not sew with a fork and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles.
– Henry Beard –

Condiments are like old friends – highly thought of, but often taken for granted.
– Marilyn Kaytor –

Cookbook – Service manual for the kitchen.
– Author Unknown –

Cooking is love made visible.
-Author Unknown –

Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.
– Author Unknown –

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
– Author Unknown –

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
– Author Unknown –

Eat Now – Pay Waiter.
– Author Unknown –

Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resentment and ennui and accompanied by psychosomatic jitters.
– M.F.K. Fisher –

Fight tooth decay – eat through your nose.
– Author Unknown –

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
– Erma Bombeck –

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn’t show up.
– Dr. Seuss –

If a recipe calls for a double boiler, turn the page in the cookbook.
– Dee Ann Stewart, Secrets to a Simpler Life –

If we could train ourselves to breathe through our ears, we could put our faces right down into the soup and not require spoons.
– Author Unknown –

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
– Author Unknown –

If you don’t have kids, don’t go places where they eat for free.
– Dee Ann Stewart, Secrets to a Simpler Life –

I’ll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal.
– Martha Harrison –

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
– Mitch Hedberg –

I’m in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I’d let just about everybody in except the English.
– Calvin Trillin –

In Mexico we have a word for sushi – bait.
– Jose Simon –

In those days, at least in my small town, parents didn’t seem to worry so much about what their kids were doing as long as they made it home in time for dinner.
– K. Martin Beckner, Chips of Red Paint –

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
– Author Unknown –

I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
– John Mortimer –

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
– Lec Stanislaus –

I suffer from entertaining anxiety… a fear that I can’t juggle the timing of three things alchemically transforming themselves in dangerously hot places.
– Dominique Browning –

I understand the concept of Cooking and Cleaning – just not how it pertains to me.
– Sign in a store –

Jenning’s Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
– Author Unknown –

Last night we went to a Chinese dinner at six and a French dinner at nine, and I can feel the sharks’ fins navigating unhappily in the Burgundy.
– Peter Fleming –

Life is like an 6-slice apple pie at a 12-guest dinner banquet. If you just sit back and wait for it to come to you, chances are, you’re going to miss dessert.
― Donald L. Hicks, Look into the stillness –

Luncher is a combo of lunch and dinner. Too late for lunch, but too early for dinner. Trademark pending.
― Gena Showalter, The One You Want –

Meat is murder, but fish is justifiable homicide.
– Jeremy Hardy –

Most of you are familiar with the four basic food groups:
1. Food that causes heart attacks
2. Food that causes cancer
3. Food that causes strokes, and
4. Food that’s bland but harmless, unless you choke on it.
– Jim Kokoris –

Mother to child at the dinner table: “It seems like yesterday we practically had to hit you over the head to get you to eat your vegetables. Now all of a sudden you’re a vegetarian.”
– Joe E. Buresch –

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
― Orson Welles –

My idea of feng shui is to have them arrange the pepperoni in a circle on my pizza.
– Author Unknown –

Never eat more than you can lift.
– Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life –

O’Reilly’s Law of the kitchen – Cleanliness is next to impossible.
– Arthur Bloch –

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
– Mark Twain –

Shake and shake the catsup bottle.
None will come, and then a lot’ll.
– Richard Armour –

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing.
– Author Unknown –

The Chinese also think in a particular way because of the way they cook. The meal passes on to the members of the family a certain insight into history, family ties, holidays, celebrations – in short, into one’s place in the scheme of things.
– Jeff Smith, The Frugal Gourmet –

The first thing I remember liking, that liked me back, was food.
– Rhoda Morgenstern –

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
– Calvin Trillin –

There is no known navy-blue food. If there is navy-blue food in the refrigerator, it signifies death.
– Erma Bombeck –

There is one thing I have never taught my body to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
– Erma Bombeck –

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.
– George Miller –

Well, dinner would have been splendid…if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Woman serving dinner to husband: “It’s a hamburger surprise. You had it yesterday and the day before, and you certainly didn’t expect to get it tonight.”
– Jerry Marcus –

Young woman to friend: “I thought about a meaningful relationship with Bob, but then I found it involved cooking.”
– Author Unknown –

You might be a redneck if … your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
– Jeff Foxworthy –