Category: Household


The Quippery

A messy house is a happy home! Bullshit. How many smiling kids have your seen on Hoarders?
1. Log off Facebook
2. Clean your house.
– rottencards –

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week, I’m going to assume there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet.
– Author Unknown –

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
– Phyllis Diller –

Don’t refluff the guest towels – just admit that you used them.
– Dee Ann Stewart – Secrets to a Simpler Life –

Do not take the chill off the room by turning the iron to the cotton setting.
– Erma Bombeck –

Due to circumstances beyond our control, our butler and maid have resigned. Your cooperation in helping to keep this place clean will be greatly appreciated.
– Author Unknown –

Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she sleeps.
– –

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.
– Mark Twain –

Have you ever taken anything out of the clothes basket because it had become, relatively, the cleaner thing?
– Katherine Whitehorn –

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.
– Erma Bombeck –

Housework never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
– Author Unknown –

Keeping house is like threading beads on a string with no knot at the end.
– Author Unknown –

I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
– –

I hate 4 letter words… diet – dust – cook – wash – iron.
– Author Unknown –

I have discovered the secret to a clean house: never let our children or husband enter it.
– Author Unknown –

…I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture…
– Carla Foft, Addressing Spirits –

I love those 17 seconds when the laundry is all caught up!
– Author Unknown –

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing. No use doing it now – it doesn’t fit anyone I know.
– Phyllis Diller –

I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
– Roseanne Barr –

I’m not the least bit domestic, and I don’t care. We have a ring around the tub you could set a drink on.
– Phyllis Diller –

Instead of organizing and cleaning my house, I pin ideas on how to organize and clean my house. The irony is not lost on me.
– Unknown Pinterest User –

I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning – just not as it applies to me.
– Author Unknown –

Life is full of choices: remove your shoes or mop the floor.
– Author Unknown –

My ex used to have this fantasy about me cleaning the house in a sexy French Maid outfit. Actually, the fantasy was just the part about me cleaning the house.
– Maxine –

My housekeeping style is best described as ‘there appears to have been a struggle’.
– the Print Orchard –

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
– Erma Bombeck –

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!
– Maxine –

My kitchen was clean last week. Sorry you missed it.
-Author Unknown –

My neighbor asked if she could use my vacuum cleaner. I said, “Sure, as long as you don’t take it out of my house.”
– Author Unknown –

Normal person’s weekly chore list:
1. clean kitchen.
2. clean bathroom.
3. clean entire rest of domicile.
Cleaning impaired person’s weekly chore list:
1. don’t get peanut butter on sheets.”
– Dave Barry –

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Of all modern notions, the worst is this: that domesticity is dull. Inside the home, they say, is dead decorum and routine; outside is adventure and variety. But the truth is that the home is the only place of liberty, the only spot on earth where a man can alter arrangements suddenly, make an experiment or indulge in a whim. The home is not the one tame place in a world of adventure; it is the one wild place in a world of rules and set tasks.
– G.K. Chesterton –

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on the back of the shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
– –

Sort tomorrow. Wash later. Fold next week. Iron never.
– Author Unknown –

There is no daily chore so trivial that it cannot be made important by skipping it two days running.
– Robert Brault –

There is one kitchen chore I don’t mind – polishing off the cookies!
– Maxine –

This spring I’m cleaning out everything. So yes – I’ll be taking a decongestant AND a laxative!
– Maxine –

Who needs Prince Charming? I just want those forest animals that clean my kitchen.
– Maxine –

You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
– Cecil Baxter –

You never know what you have until… you clean your room.
– Author Unknown –

Money, Shopping and Spending

Advertising is what makes you think you longed all your life for something you’ve never heard of before.
– Author Unknown —

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can buy happiness.
– Author Unknown –

As a businessman, he seems to have dedicated his life to the proposition that where selling to the public is concerned no idea is too stupid. (Referring to Bernard MacFadden)
– Bill Bryson –

At 20 I wanted to save the world. Now I’d be satisfied just to save part of my salary.
– H.G. Hutchison –

At a dinner party: I came from a well-to-do family. My mother was always saying, “Well, to do that, you’ll need more money.”
– Cathryn Baker Hopkins –

At the ATM they ask if you’d like to conduct your business in English or Spanish. I suggest you try Spanish, because your account balance will look much better in pesos.
– Tere Joyce –

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money.
– Robin Williams –

Dividends: A certain percent, per annum, perhaps.
– Evan Esar –

Don’t knock the rich. When did a poor person give you a job?
– Laurence J. Peter –

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
– Joseph E. Cossman –

Economic advance is not the same thing as human progress.
-John Clapham, A Concise Economic History of Britain, 1957 –

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
– Don Marquis –

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
– Robert Orben –

Every time we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
– Herbert Hoover –

Forget about being world famous, it’s hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.
– Doug Coupland –

He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop of attractive but useless and overpriced items that the damned would wander for eternity in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted. And then Nerys had taken him to IKEA and Clovenhoof realised the humans had once again beaten him to it.
– Heide Goody, Clovenhoof –

He should have been born a prince with lots of money instead of a pauper with a charge card.
– Author Unknown –

I didn’t want to be rich, I just wanted enough to get the couch reupholstered.
– Kate Mostel –

I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyliss Diller –

Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive.
– William F. Buckley –

If it was easy to be wealthy, then more people would be.
– Author Unknown –

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
– Author Unknown –

If you want to see a shorter winter, borrow money that’s due in the spring.
– Author Unknown –

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
– Author Unknown –

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
– Author Unknown –

If men liked shopping, they’d call it research.
-Cynthia Nelms –

If you’re going antique hunting, prepare yourself for some odd smells.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

I hate to shop. I consider it one of life’s necessary evils, like brussels sprouts and high-heeled shoes.
– Laurell K. Hamilton, Guilty Pleasures

I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
– Ilie Nastase –

Investing should be more like watching paint dry or watching grass grow. If you want excitement, take $800 and go to Las Vegas.
– Paul Samuelson –

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
– Rita Rudner –

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to 10. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
– M. Grundler –

It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.
– John Sinor –

It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.
– Anton Strout, Dead Waters –

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
– Author Unknown –

I was not prepared for the incredible variety of products available in American grocery stores. While on my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk – you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice – you just add water, and you get orange juice and then I saw baby powder – I thought to myself, What a country!
– Yakov Smirnoff –

I’ve always believed the adage, “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it,” but I never expected it to apply to postage stamps.
– Author Unknown –

I’ve got all the money I need, if I die by 4 o’clock.
– Henny Youngman –

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
– Steven Wright –

Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means except you have a record of it.
– Author Unknown –

…most guys have about 73 calories of shopping energy, and once these calories are gone, they’re gone for the day – if not the week – and can’t be regenerated simply by having an Orange Julius at the Food Fair.
– Douglas Coupland, Microserfs –

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
– Erma Bombeck –

My motto is ‘Veni, vidi, Visa’ – We came, we saw, we went shopping.
– Sally Poplin –

Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
– Robert Frost –

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
– H.L. Mencken –

Online shopping: because it’s frowned upon to be in a store with no bra, sweatpants and a glass of wine.
– Author Unknown –

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
– Author Unknown –

One reason a dollar won’t do as much as it once did is because people won’t do as much for a dollar as they once did.
– Author Unknown –

Overheard at Costco, as a boy pushed an over-flowing cart behind his mom: “Mom, we only brought the Jetta, you know!”
– Author Unknown –

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
– Joan Rivers –

Stores hire extra help for the holidays. This way, customers who don’t know what they want are helped by people who don’t know where it is!
– Author Unknown –

The grocery store is the great equalizer where mankind comes to grips with the facts of life like toilet tissue.
– Joseph Goldberg –

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences – whoever has the gold makes the rules.
– Author Unknown –

The way to stop the financial joy riding is to arrest the chauffeur, not the automobile.
– Woodrow Wilson –

They call it take home pay because there is no other place you can afford to go with it.
– Author Unknown-

They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?
– Princess Diana –

This planet has — or rather had — a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn’t the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
– Douglas Adams –

This violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people.
– P.J. O’Rourke –

… there was a time in my life, decades ago, when I was so full of energy that I was going to not only END WORLD HUNGER but also STOP WAR and ELIMINATE RACISM. Whereas today my life goals, to judge from the notes I leave myself, tend to be along the lines of BUY DETERGENT.
– Dave Barry –

They came, they saw, they did a little shopping.
– Anonymous graffiti on the Berlin wall after travel restrictions were lifted and thousands of East Berliners flooded into West Berlin, Newsweek, December 4, 1989 –

Too caustic? To hell with the cost – we’ll make the movie anyway.
– Samuel Goldwyn –

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
– Will Rogers –

Wal-mart… do they like, make walls there?
– Paris Hilton –

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
– Jose Batista, Burn, Baby, Burn! –

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of living high.
– Doug Larson –

When I am an Old Man… I’ll start saying things like “It used to be that when you paid more than $5000 for something, it came with a basement!”
– Tony Dierckens, Tim Nyberg –


When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when I might be earning the salary I’m starving on now.
– Author Unknown –

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
– Gittel Hudnick –

Why waste your money looking up your family tree, just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Mark Twain –

You don’t always get what you pay for, but you never get what you don’t pay for.
– Author Unknown –

You know you’ve spent too much money on your vacation when the balance in your bank account is lower than the number on your sunscreen.
– Author Unknown –


The Quippery

A Guide to Self Service Shoe Shopping: 1. If they hurt like hell they’re too small. 2. If they fall off they’re too big.
– Brantano Footwear –

Although a life-long fashion dropout, I have absorbed enough by reading Harper’s Bazaar while waiting at the dentist’s to have grasped that the purpose of fashion is to make A Statement. My own modest Statement, discerned by true cognoscenti, is, “Woman Who Wears Clothes So She Won’t Be Naked.”
– Molly Ivins –

Amazing. You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
– Cartoon Caption –

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
– Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary –

As long as you’re doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house.
– Bart Simpson –

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week I’m going to assume there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet.
– Author Unknown –

Classic Polo T-shirt made by Royal Classic Mills, India. Care Instructions: Wash care – use mild detergent – avoid beating and twisting – wash it in cold water – rinse thoroughly – iron on low temperature – dry in shade on reverse side.
– Author Unknown –

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
– Mark Twain –

Courage is no match for an unfriendly shoe.
– Roger Moore, as James Bond –

Do not shake out gym clothes as they trigger the smoke alarm. Process them immediately.
– Erma Bombeck –

Dressing up is inevitably a substitute for good ideas. It is no coincidence that technically inept business types are known as ‘suits’.
– Paul Graham –

Fashion is… whatever is clean that day.
– Author Unknown –

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
– Author Unknown –

Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
– Arthur Bloch –

Hand washables left over ten years will be sold.
– Erma Bombeck –

I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
– Gilda Radner –

I could run down Rodeo Drive in the nude and get a profile, but that’s not what Canadians expect, if only for humanitarian reasons.
– Kim Campbell – Consul General to California –

I don’t know about you but I don’t want clothes hugging my body. I like to leave some doubt about where my clothes end and my body begins.
– Andy Rooney –

If a bra is called an ‘Over the shoulder bolder holder,’ then would you call men’s underwear ‘Under the butt nut hut?’
– Author Unknown –

If God meant us to be naked he would have made our skin fit better.
– Maureen Murphy –

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
– Sue Grafton –

If someone asks what team you play for, your shoulder pads may be too big.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

If you think old soldiers just fade away, try getting into your old Army uniform.
– Bits & Pieces, February 3, 2994 –

It’s my least favorite season of the year, bathing-suit season. I don’t know why we can’t all be shaped like those eighteen-year-old boys they design those suits for.
– Diane Ford –

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
– Linda Ellerbee –

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, Including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
– Dave Barry –

Immortal words: Know thyself- Socrates
To thine own self be true – Shakespeare
Never wash whites with colors – Mom.
– Author Unknown –

I wasn’t really naked. I simply didn’t have any clothes on.
– Josephine Baker –

My swimsuit told me to go to the gym. But my sweatpants were like, Nah girl, you’re good.
– Author Unknown –

Naked and nude mean the same thing – except that naked sounds like a surprise, while nude suggests it was done on purpose.
– Beryl Pfizer –

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
– Fran Lebowitz –

Nobody notices it when your zipper is up, but everyone notices when it’s down.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

No-pocket jeans are only slightly less irritating than thong underwear.
– Patricia Briggs, River Marked –

Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.
– Whoopi Goldberg –

One of my correspondents has me convinced that the human race would be saved if the world became one huge nudist colony. I keep thinking how much harder it would be to carry concealed weapons.
– Cyra McFadden –

See how long you can actually wear a pair of thong underwear.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
– Author Unknown –

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
– Erma Bombeck –

“There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?'”
“The mood will pass, sir.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters –

Two mysteries solved: Socks that disappear from the dryer come back as extra Tupperware lids.
– –

Very funny Scotty – now beam down my clothes.
– Author Unknown –

Watch a man fold clothes.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Wear your underwear with the good waistband today.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

When I am an Old Man… I’ll wear black (or navy blue) socks with shorts. (This phenomenon also occurs among fathers of all ages – especially those with particularly white legs – who insist on accompanying their more easily embarrassed children to the beach.)
– Tony Dierckens, Tim Nyberg –

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
– Erma Bombeck –

With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being civilized.
– Oscar Wilde –

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
– Dolly Parton –