Category: People Feelings

Love and Marriage

The Quippery

A bachelor asked a computer dating service to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small, and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”
– Author Unknown –

A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
– Helen Rowland –

A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair
– Erma Bombeck, Book Title –

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
– Somerset Maugham –

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie –

A smart husband is one who saves all the barbershop gossip until after dinner – so that his wife will help him with the dishes.
– Edna May Bush –

Be the one person who’s found a second use for a bridesmaid’s dress.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.
– James C. Dobson –

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
– Author Unknown –

Every man needs a wife. Many things go wrong that can’t be blamed on government.
– E.C. McKenzie –

Forget love — I’d rather fall in chocolate!
– Sandra J. Dykes –

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
– Analogies and Metaphors in High School Essays –

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
– Author Unknown –

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.
– Author Unknown –

Husbands think we should know where everything is – like the uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, “Roseanne, do we have any Chee-tos left?” Like he can’t go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
– Roseanne Barr –

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
– Dick Martin –

I do not refer to myself as a housewife for the reason that I did not marry a house.
– Wilma Scott Heide –

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
– Lewis Grizzard –

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.
– Claire Cloninger –

If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
– Author Unknown –

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– Author Unknown –

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
– Lily Tomlin –

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.
– Estelle Getty –

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free… You either married it or gave birth to it.
– Cartoon Caption –

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
– Katherine Hepburn –

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner –

I’m on my second marriage. You know when you let one guy get away, you’re gonna have to build a taller fence and put better food out.
– Brett Butler –

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
– Marie Corelli –

“I now pronounce you man and wife.” With the possible exceptions of “We have lift-off” and “This country is at war,” there are few phrases as sobering.
– Erma Bombeck –

Let there be spaces in your togetherness.
– Kahlil Gibran –

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
– Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975 –

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.
– Zig Ziglar –

Marriage is a fine institution…if one requires institutionalizing.
– S. Freud –

Marriage is like a horse with a broken leg – you can shoot it, but that doesn’t fix the leg.
– Author Unknown –

Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
– Billy Connolly –

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.
– Calvin Trillin –

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
– George Bernard Shaw –

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
– Helen Rowland –

Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.
– Robert Brault –

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
– Ogden Nash –

Marriage is the only union that can’t be organized. Both sides think they’re management.
– Author Unknown –

Marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
– Helen Rowland –

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
– Jean Kerr –

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them.
– Jefferson Machamer –

Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.
– Frances Rodman –

Matrimony; the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
– Heinrich Heine –

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner –

My kids were from an era in which a bride showed up at her wedding in curlers and when someone asked why, she said, “We may go someplace special afterward.”
– Erma Bombeck –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said ‘This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.’ I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
– Author Unknown –

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence.
– Erma Bombeck –

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and tried to beat her;
But his wife was a suffragette,
And Peter’s in the hospital yet.
– Author Unknown –

People often ask why I never married. My answer is simple. I’m all for the battle of the sexes. I just don’t believe in taking prisoners.
– Richard Chamberlain –

Son: Dad, did you know in other countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married? Dad: It’s like that everywhere, son…
– Author Unknown –

Thank-you for our life together and for all the times in the past when you’ve understood when I forgot to say it…thank-you.
– Author Unknown –

The ability to listen with the eyes, to appear to be fascinated while the portals of the ear close tight and the mind goes off on pleasant journeys of its own, is a purely feminine accomplishment. God gives that gift to woman so she may stay married to the same man for years, and still smile.
– Frank Case –

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
– A.P. Herbert –

The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn’t marry me.
– Robert Brault –

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship.
– Iris Murdoch –

There was a rough stone age and a smooth stone age and a bronze age, and many years afterward a cut-glass age. In the cut-glass age, when young ladies had persuaded young men with long, curly mustaches to marry them, they sat down several months afterward and wrote thank-you notes for all sorts of cut-glass presents…
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Cut-Glass Bowl –

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.
– Linda Festa –

The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
– Author Unknown –

The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.
– Peter DeVries –

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.
– Rose Sands –

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
– Erich Segal –

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
– Groucho Marx –

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
– Carrie Snow –

You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
– Dr. Seuss –


The Quippery

A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines.
– Benjamin Franklin –

A friend is somebody who knows all about you and likes you anyway.
– Author Unknown –

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
– Erma Bombeck –

An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
– Jim Hayes –

Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
– W.H. Auden –

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
– Bernard Meltzer –

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
– American Proverb –

Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend.
– Albert Camus –

Friendship feels equally at home in breezy fellowship and in dense soul-searching at three o’clock in the morning.
– Eve Rockett –

Human life is human relatedness. No one lives alone. Robinson Crusoe is a feat of literary imagination. – Gregory Vlastos –

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… well not too humid, because you know… my hair.
– Author Unknown –

I’m amazed at people who wake up by themselves. I have a friend who says, “The sun wakes me up. I don’t need an alarm.” I find that amazing. The only way the sun could wake me up is if it set me on fire.
– Livia Squires –

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’
– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh –

Keep waving even after you’ve realized the person you’re waving to isn’t who you thought it was.
– Stewart, Dee Ann –

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
– Spike Milligan –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Notice how class reunions never include a pool party.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
– George Carlin –

One sure way to lose another woman’s friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.
– Marcelene Cox –

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
– Rita Mae Brown –

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
– Linda Grayson –

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
– D.T. Gentry –

Tell me the company you keep, and I’ll tell you who you are.
– Proverb –

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
– Roderick Thorp –

We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
– Author Unknown –

When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.
– Diane Von Furstenberg –

You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.
– Author Unknown –

You owe the gas company. You owe Bloomingdales. You don’t owe your friends.
– Author Unknown –

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
– Author Unknown –


The Quippery

A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. The mother said, “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.”
“Who is that?” asked the daughter.
“Oh,”” answered the mother, “The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt. She’s the family genealogist!”
– Author Unknown –

Family trees are self-pruners… everyone dies in the end!
– Author Unknown –

Family tree? Ours is a shrub!
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

Found a Yankee in my tree – will trade for horse thief or black sheep.
– Author Unknown –

Genealogy: an attempt to prove the theory of relativity.
– Mary Kearns Trace –

Genealogists diet: Fiche and Ships topped with tantalizing Sources.
– abaysview –

He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother’s aunt’s sister’s husband.
– Author Unknown –

If your family tree doesn’t fork? You might be a Redneck.
– Jeff Foxworthy –

I’m always late. My ancestors must have arrived on the Juneflower.
– Author Unknown –

I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.
– abaysview –

I researched my family tree… apparently I don’t exist!
– abaysview –

I wish I could relate to the people I’m related to.
-Jeff Foxworthy –

Jeanealogy: the study of Levis and Wranglers.
– Author Unknown –

Just follow my roots. I’ll turnip somewhere!
– Author Unknown –

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program.
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
– Elayne Boosler –

“My ancestors were all famous for military genius.”
My Lady smiled graciously. “It often runs in families,” she remarked: “just as a love for pastry does.”
– Lewis Carroll –

My family tree needs more wood and less sap.
– Author Unknown –

My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal?
– The American-French Genealogical Soc. –

Old genealogists don’t die, they just lose their census.
– abaysview –

Remember, undocumented genealogy is mythology.
– abaysview –

The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.
– Bern Williams –

The cat sitting at the keyboard of the computer explains to the cat watching: “So far I’ve discovered I was in a litter of eight and my mother’s name was Fluffy!”
– Cockney Ancestor #89 –

The only surname not found among the three billion in the Mormon Archives is yours.
– abaysview –

The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated when the platform collapsed turned out to be a hanging.
– abaysview –

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
– Helen Keller –

The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

We’ve uncovered some embarrassing ancestors in the not-too-distant past. Some horse thieves, and some people killed on Saturday nights. One of my relatives, unfortunately, was even in the newspaper business.
– Jimmy Carter –

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Mark Twain –

You’re a Genealogist If…
– You hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
– You’d rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
– You can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, Kent on a map of England, but can’t locate Topeka, Kansas.
– abaysview –

Death and Cemetery

Funeral, Burial and Cemetery

The Quippery

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come.
– Michael Gold (Jeff Goldblum), The Big Chill (1983) –

Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.
– William J. Clinton –

Cemetery: (n) A marble orchard not to be taken for granite.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t carry me off in a brass-handled coffin
With a wreath on my chest I won’t be ‘at rest’
There’s nothing much worse than a ride in a hearse
To a hole in the ground with just strangers around
No! bury me deep in the compost heap
Or pop me right under a nice floribunda
Its really much wiser to become fertiliser
Then I can grow roses as I decomposes.
– Joye Fothergill –

For as much as I hate the cemetery, I’ve been grateful it’s here, too. I miss my wife. It’s easier to miss her at a cemetery, where she’s never been anything but dead, than to miss her in all the places where she was alive.
― John Scalzi, Old Man’s War –

Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn’t have time.
– Author Unknown –

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
– Michael Pritchard –

Some hang above the tombs,
Some weep in empty rooms,
I, when the iris blooms,
– Mary Coleridge –

The gravestones are like rows of books bearing the names of those whose names have been blotted from the pages of life; who have been forgotten elsewhere but are remembered here.
― Dean Koontz, Fear Nothing –

The wrought iron ones are holding their shape, but the wooden ones have begun to lean, often as a unit, as if a meeting had been held and the angle of lean agreed upon for the year.
– Nancy Millar, Remember Me As You Pass By Stories from Prairie Graveyards –

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
– Garrison Keillor –


As for a future life, every man must judge for himself between conflicting vague probabilities.
– Charles Darwin –

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missing in action.
– Joseph Heller –

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
– J.J. Furnas –

Death is natures’ way of saying, “Your table is ready.”
– Robin Williams –

Death – when your body sets your spirit free.
– Author Unknown –

Did you hear about the plane that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
– Author Unknown –

DIED From not forwarding that text message to 10 people.
– Suggested Headstone inscription –

During a coffee break: “There must be something to reincarnation. It’s hard to believe that I could get this far behind in one lifetime.”
– Robert Orben –

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
– Somerset Maugham –

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
– P.J. O’Rourke –

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
– Johnny Carson –

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
– Author Unknown –

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen –

I don’t mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day.
– George Axlerod –

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my underwear drawer.
― Jarod Kintz –

I have considered all this, however, and it occurs to me that Dan, as admirable as he was in many ways, is not a good model for me. Dan’s dead.
– John Robert McFarland –

I have lost friends, some by death … others through sheer inability to cross the street.
– Virginia Woolf –

I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me. I want to be stuffed with crabmeat.
– Woody Allen –

In India when a man dies, his widow throws herself on the funeral pyre. Over here, she says, “Fifty ham baps, Beryl – you slice, I’ll butter.”
– Victoria Wood –

It is a good day to die.
– Sitting Bulls Warriors –

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen –

My mother said, “You’re not going to die.”
Did you believe her?
“Hey, when my mother says something you don’t dare question it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

One dies only once, and it’s for such a long time!
– J.B. Moliere Poquelin –

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.
– Woody Allen –

The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.
– Author Unknown –

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
– Woody Allen –

To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
– Oscar Wilde –

Welcome to hell. Here’s your accordion.
– Gary Larson –

What are a redneck’s last words? “Hey, y’all, watch this!”
– Author Unknown –

With the death of a husband or wife you lose your present; with the death of a parent the past; and with the death of a child you lose your future.
– Levy Shalom –

Babies and Children

The Quippery

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
– Author Unknown –

A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.
– Author Unknown –

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
– Erma Bombeck –

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good cat.
– Author Unknown –

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
– Erma Bombeck –

Although there are many trial marriages, there is no such thing as a trial child.
– G. Willis –

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
– Flannery O’Connor –

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed.
– Robert Gallagher –

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.
– Author Unknown –

As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter.
-Andrew K. Keller –

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz –

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
– Bill Vaughn –

Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.
– John Wilmot –

Birdies with broken wings hide from each other.
Children in trouble run home to mother.
– Author Unknown –

Calvin: Dad, how do people make babies?
Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears??
Dad: No, you were a blue light special at K-Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
– Bill Watterson –

Calvin: Is this milk spoiled?
Mom: Smell it and see.
Calvin: I’m not going to smell it! You smell it!
Mom: Oh, for goodness sake, here…It’s fine.
Calvin: I don’t take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire.
– Bill Watterson –

Calvin: You step into this chamber, set the appropriate dials, and it turns you into whatever you’d like to be.
Hobbes: It’s amazing what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.
– Bill Watterson –

Childhood is a place as well as a time.
– May Sarton –

Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.
-Author Unknown –

Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.
– Haim Ginott

Children are living messages we send to a time and place we will never see.
– Author Unnown –

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.
– Marcelene Cox –

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up we’ve learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs…dust go to sleep,
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
– Author Unknown –

Customer to TV salesman: I don’t need remote control. With four kids, my chances of controlling it are already remote!
– Jon Cagle

Don’t argue for a later bedtime while you’re wearing pajamas with feet.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

Don’t say “The last one there is a rotten egg” unless you’re absolutely sure there’s a slow kid behind you.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
– Fran Lebowitz –

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Hobbes: Did you ask your mom if you could jump off the roof?
Calvin: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?
– Bill Watterson –

I am fond of children — except boys.
-Lewis Carroll –

I’d get pregnant if I could be assured I’d have puppies.
– Cynthia Nelms –

I don’t care what the world knows about me, I just hope my mother never finds out.
– Author Unknown –

If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.
-Rachel Louise Carson –

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
– Bill Watterson –

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.
– Rhonda Dickenson –

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
– Abigail Van Buren –

If your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance that you won’t have any.
– Clarence Day –

In each child we see ourselves for we are yesterday’s children.
– Author Unknown –

I never met anyone who didn’t have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
– Fran Lebowitz –

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
– Robert Orben –

It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.
– John Sinor –

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is why it takes several million sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
– Dave Barry –

It took a genius to develop an aspirin bottle that couldn’t be opened by a child capable of operating a VCR.
– Author Unknown –

I was born by Caesarean section, but you can’t really tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
– Stephen Wright –

I was browsing in a bookstore recently when I came across a book on child raising. It was a thin little volume of about fifteen or twenty pages that used the word “love” on every page and “reinforcement of self-esteem” on every other page. I leafed through it several times looking for the word that no parent should raise a child without: “No.” It wasn’t there. Mistake.
– Erma Bombeck –

I will have the children read Hamlet as soon as it is practical. There are some useful cautions against eavesdropping to be gleaned from that.
– Maryrose Wood, The Mysterious Howling –

Jonah’s adaptive niche in the family ecosystem was to be the perfect grandchild, eager to scramble up on laps, unafraid of bitter vegetables, under excited by television and computer games, and skilled at cheerfully answering questions like “Are you loving school?”
– Jonathan Franzen –

Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute but they chase you around all day long going, “Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe! I need a ride!”
– Kathleen Madigan –

Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
– Elizabeth Stone –

My mother taught me about Contortionism – “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
– Author Unknown –

My mother taught me religion – “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
– Author Unknown –

Nothing seems to make children more affectionate than sticky hands.
– Author Unknown –

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.
– Fran Lebowitz –

One of the great mysteries of life is how the idiot that your daughter married can be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the whole wide world.
– Author Unknown –

One of the things I’ve discovered in general about raising kids is that they really don’t give a damn if you walked five miles to school.
– Patty Duke –

Rearing three children is like growing a cactus, a gardenia, and a tubful of impatiens. Each needs varying amounts of water, sunlight and pruning. Were I to be absolutely fair, I would have to treat each child as if he or she were absolutely identical to the other siblings, and there would be no profit for anyone in that.
– Phyllis Grissim-Theroux –

The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.
– Author Unknown –

The best thing about children’s birthday parties is that they prove there are children who behave worse than your own.
– Author Unknown –

The best way to raise one child is to have two.
– Marcelene Cox –

The child’s philosophy is the true one. He does not despise the bubble because it burst; and he immediately sets to work to blow another.
J.J. Procter

The glory of springtime is the same to all. But there are many different points of view. A child sees it best from the middle of a mud puddle.
– Pearl Swiggum –

The happiest families are those in which the children are properly spaced. About ten feet apart.
– Author Unknown –

The little girl had the making of a poet in her, who, being told to be sure of her meaning before she spoke, said, “How can I know what I think till I see what I say?”
– Graham Wallas –

The most effective birth control I know is a toddler with the croup and diaper rash.
– Kate Zannoni –

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
– David Richerby –

There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
-Benjamin Spock –

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
– Monta Crane –

There she was in our little Hawaiian country library, same face, braces, braids, skinny sloping shoulders…Then I realized they’ve probably just run out of patterns for people now, and are beginning to repeat them over and over.
– Peg Bracken –

They say children brighten up the home. That’s right – they never turn off the lights.
– Author Unknown –

Thomas Wolfe wrote, “You can’t go home again.” You can, but you’ll get treated like an eight-year-old.
– Daryl Hogue –

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
– Stephen Wright –

We’ll have children of the kingdom.
They won’t be torn by war,
nor will they
kill or hate
or hesitate to love.
– Seals and Croft –

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
– Erma Bombeck –

When I was a kid… no, wait, I still do that…
– Author Unknown –

When they handed her to me and I realized it was a girl, I thought, “I’ve never understood one of you in my whole life.” She’s got a lot of ‘splainin to do.”
– Sean Penn –

Years ago, a child in a tree with a small caliber rifle bushwacked a piano through the open summer windows of a neighbor’s living room.
– Thomas McGuane –

You can always tell a home with a five-year old in it. You have to wash the soap before you use it.
– Richard Celeste –

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
– Franklin P. Jones –