Category: Place Travel Vehicle

Flying Machines and Flight

The Quippery

Airline agent to waiting passengers: “Boarding first will be the disgruntled, followed by the hopelessly late and, finally, the just plain infuriated.”
– Charles Almon –

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.”
– Dave Barry –

Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means. Hence… airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash.
– Cecil Beaton –

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker.
– Custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam –

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
– Gil Stern –

Did you hear about the little old lady in the US who wasn’t allowed to take her crochet hooks on board the airplane … they were afraid she was going to make an afghan.
– Author Unknown –

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes.
-Author Unknown –

Every time I fly and am forced to remove my shoes, I’m grateful Richard Reid is not known as the Underwear Bomber.
— Douglas Manuel, aerospace executive –

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It’s just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
— Captain Rex Kramer, Airplane Movie-

Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
– Dave Barry –

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
– Dave Barry –

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
– Author Unknown –

I did not fully understand the dread term ‘terminal illness’ until I saw Heathrow Airport for myself.
– Dennis Potter –

I don’t have a fear of flying; I have a fear of crashing.
– Billy Bob Thornton –

If black boxes survive air crashes — why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
– George Carlin –

If you want to be a millionaire, start with a billion dollars and launch a new airline.”
– Sir Richard Branson, Virgin –

I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
– David Letterman –

In the Alaska bush I’d rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.
– Kurt Wien –

“It looks like flyin’ is mostly tryin’ to land”, and Carmody clapped him on the back. “Son, you just learned all there is to know about aviation. Any damned fool can get a plane up in the air. Trick is to get it down.”
– James A. Michener, Alaska –

It was as though they had been plunged into a fabulous dream.
This, thought Harry, was surely the only way to travel — past swirls and turrets of snowy cloud, in a car full of hot, bright sunlight, with a fat pack of toffees in the glove compartment…
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets –

I was lying there looking up at all the dials … and toggle switches on the control panel and I thought “Good grief, just think, this thing was built by the lowest bidder.”
– Wally Schirra, Mercury 5 Astronaut –

Just saw a career counselor. Turns out I’d be perfect working for the airlines because I’m always late and I lose things.
– Simone Alexander –

Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates.
– Doug Larson –

Most big companies don’t like you very much, except hotels, airlines and Microsoft, which don’t like you at all.
– Bill Bryson –

Newton’s Law states that what goes up, must come down. Our Company Commander’s Law states that what goes up and comes down had damn well better be able to go back up again.
– sign in the Operations Office of the 187th Assault Helicopter Company, Tay Ninh, Viet Nam, 1971 –

Part of a WestJet flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of WestJet Airways.”
– Flight Attendant –

She would arrive every July by helicopter, her favourite form of transport. “The chopper has transformed my life,” she once remarked, “almost as much as it transformed Anne Boleyn’s”.
– Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, Heritage Today, June 2002 –

The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage.
– Author Unknown –

There are two critical points in every aerial flight – its beginning and its end.
– Alexander Graham Bell, 1906 –

There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways off this airplane.
– Flight Attendant –

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.
– Peggy Ryan –

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
– Mark Russell –

The weather in San Fancisco is 61 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
– Pilot Announcement –

To prevent our passengers from arriving at the terminal before our aircraft, please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened.
– Author Unknown –

Trouble in the air is very rare. It is hitting the ground that causes it.
— Amelia Earhart, 20 Hrs 40 Mins 1928. –

United hired gentlemen with the expectation of training them to become pilots, Northwest hired pilots hoping to train them to become gentlemen. To date, despite their best efforts, neither carrier can be considered successful.
– Ed Thompson –

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
– Werner von Braun, comment on the business side of putting a man on the moon –

We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?
— Cockpit crew, Airplane Movie –

Why can’t the airline industry understand that people simply want an airport they can reach in five minutes, to board a plane that won’t fly over anybody’s house?
– Bill Vaughan –

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
– Frank Zappa –

You land a million planes safely, then you have one little mid-air and you never hear the end of it …
— Air Traffic Controller, New York TRACON, Westbury Long island. Opening quotation in the 1999 movie Pushing Tin –

Cars, Trucks, Garage and Licenses

A commuter tie-up consists of you — and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.
– Robert Brault –

After you’ve heard two different eyewitness accounts of the same automobile accident, you begin to wonder about the validity of history. How do we know, for sure, what ever happened anywhere?
– Bits & Pieces Vol D #5 –

And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system.
– Robert Brault –

An object at rest tends to stay at rest, especially if you’re behind it when the light turns green.
– Robert Brault –

A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.
– Author Unknown –

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
– Peter De Vries –

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
– Author Unknown –

Cheap, fast and reliable. Pick two.
– Author Unknown –

Direction is more important than speed. We are so busy looking at our speedometers that we forget the milestone.
– Author Unknown –

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
– Joseph E. Cossman –

Each year it seems to take less time to fly across the ocean and longer to drive to work.
– Author Unknown –

Every year my family would pile into the car for our vacation and drive 80 trillion miles just to prove we couldn’t get along in any setting.
– Janeane Garofalo –

Guys, you can date whomever you want, but marry a girl who can back up a trailer.
– Michael Martin Murphy –

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
– Steven Wright –

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
– Doug Larson –

I feel like I am parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
― Author Unknown –

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.
– Henry Ford –

If you can’t Dodge it, Ram it.
– Author Unknown –

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
– Earl Wilson –

I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
– Erma Bombeck –

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, “In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.”
– Robert Brault –

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
– Author Unknown –

My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
– Wendy Liebman –

Meanwhile, those battling against the ever-increasing tide of Japanese cars to European community nations got an unexpected bonus recently when two ships collided in the Straits of Gibralter. A total of 3600 Mazdas and Toyotas wound up in Davy Jones locker at the bottom of the Mediterranean.
– Author Unknown –

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck –

No, no, no. There’s no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It’s cheap and nasty; expensive and cheerful.
– Jeremy Clarkson –

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.
– Curtis McDougall –

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it’s black.
– Henry Ford –

Prudence was waiting for us when we arrived, and I saw her visibly wince as I pulled the Fiesta into the parking space beside her Lexus, like an automotive version of Lady and the Tramp.
― M.L. Brennan, Iron Night –

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
– Author Unknown –

The elderly don’t drive that badly; they’re just the only ones with time to do the speed limit.
– Jason Love –

The fact that people and trees and elephants and cars all have trunks just proves that there are more things than there are words.
– Scot Morris –

The key to motivating a young man to work hard… generally fits the ignition of his father’s car.
– Lynn Johnston –

The marvels of modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever – and a $7000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
– Paul Harwitz –

[T]hey both knew that the basis of her invariable reluctance about new cars was not thrift but sentiment. She simply could not endure the moment when the old one was driven away.
As for cars, they were in a class apart, somewhere between furniture and dogs. It wasn’t, with her, a question of the pathetic fallacy. She did not pretend to herself that cars had souls or even minds (though anybody, seeing the difference that can exist between one mass-produced car and another, might be excused for believing that they have at least some embryonic form of temperament). No, it was simply a matter of mise en scène. A car, nowadays, was such an integral part of one’s life, provided the aural and visual accompaniment to so many of one’s thoughts, feelings, conversations, decisions, that it had acquired at least the status of a room in one’s house. To part from it, whatever its faults, was to lose a familiar piece of background.
– Jan Struther, Mrs. Miniver –

They’d given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast of high ceilings and few horsepower!”
― John Green, Paper Towns –

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
– Jason Love –

… we live on the edge of the abstract all the time. Look at something solid in the known world: an automobile. Separate the fender, the hood, the roof, lie them on the garage floor, walk around them. Let go of the urge to reassemble the car or to pronounce fender, hood, roof. Look at them as curve, line, form.
– Natalie Goldberg, Living Color: Painting, Writing, and the Bones of Seeing –

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.
– Larry Lujack –

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
– Tommy Cooper –


I can’t fix stupid, but I can charge for it.
– Unknown Mechanic –

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright –

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.
– Author Unknown –

Only in America – do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
– Author Unknown –

Some moms take a bubble bath with a glass of wine. I hide in the garage and smoke a joint.
– Someecards –

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong. Every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.
– Minnie Pearl –

Walking isn’t a lost art — one must, by some means, get to the garage.
– Evan Esar –

Warning! Need to borrow a tool? The last guy that touched this box is in the bottom drawer.
– Snap-On –

What happens in the garage stays in the garage.
– Author Unknown –

Bumper Stickers

Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but is miles from the next exit.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.

Vanity Plates


Cardiologist: LUB DUB
Doctor: YRUILL
Dentist: 2THDR
Lawyer: ISUE4U
Detective: CLUESO
Many options: OLOGIST
Surgeon: LUV2CUT
Radiologist: C THRU
Urologist: CME2P and NOPCME


VW Rabbit: HOP2IT
On a big motorhome: GLBL WMR
On a gas guzzler: 1 MPG
Disgruntled Fiat driver: FIASCO
Corvette: 02 BE ME


Cat lover: MEEOOWW
The golfer: IN2GOLF
Star Wars: JEDI IAM