The Quippery

Advice from a Pumpkin: Be well-rounded. Get plenty of sunshine. Give thanks for life’s bounty. Have a thick skin. Keep growing. Be outstanding in your field. Think big!
– Ilan Shamir –

After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.
-Miss Piggy –

Any dish that has either a taste or an appearance that can be improved by parsley is ipso facto a dish unfit for human consumption.
– Ogden Nash –

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
– Henry L. Mencken –

Butternut squash is a real letdown. No butter, no nuts, just squash.
– Author Unknown –

Calories are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food but a member of the plywood family provided by mother nature so that we would have a way to get onion dip into our mouths, has none.
– Dave Barry –

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
– Author Unknown –

Do you hunt your own truffles or do you hire a pig?
– Jean McClatchy –

During a bull session about human nature, a friend made this observation: “When we make sandwiches, we begin with square bread, round meat, rectangular pickles, slices of tomatoes, chopped onion and flat lettuce. We then cut the sandwich diagonally – and get angry when pieces of it fall on the floor.”
– Edward K. Ulery –

End world hunger. Grow Zucchini.
– Author Unknown –

Even today, well-brought up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.
– Calvin Trillin –

Facts must be faced. Vegetables simply don’t taste as good as most other things do.
– Peg Bracken, The Compleat I Hate to Cook Book –

First off, let’s clear this up—fries are not a side dish and you can’t count those as a vegetable. Sorry.
– Tez Brooks, The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce –

Four year old Bob was so anti-spinach that when he was served asparagus for the first time, he moaned, “Oh, no! Not spinach legs!”
– Mildred Sherrer –

Give Peas a Chance.
– Pun – Author Unknown –

How to eat spinach like a child – Divide into little piles – rearrange again into new piles – repeat. After five or six maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.
– Delia Ephron –

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
– Author Unknown –

I don’t want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me.
– Douglas Coupland –

If you stir coconut oil into your kale while you cook it, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
– Author Unknown –

It’s possible to feel full when it comes to more vegetables, but not full when it comes to a piece of cake.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables’.
– Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached? –

I’ve tried that Japanese decluttering trend where you hold each thing you own and throw it out if it doesn’t give you joy. So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables and the electric bill.
– Author Unknown –

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
– Rita Rudner –

Jonah’s adaptive niche in the family ecosystem was to be the perfect grandchild, eager to scramble up on laps, unafraid of bitter vegetables, underexcited by television and computer games, and skilled at cheerfully answering questions like “Are you loving school?”
– Jonathan Franzen, The Corrections –

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable. Wisdom is knowing not to include it in a fruit salad.
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll –

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
– Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life, 1978 –

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
– Andy Rooney –

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
– Doug Larson –

Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks.
– Marilyn Wann –

Life itself is like an onion: it has a bewildering number of layers; you peel them off, one by one, and sometimes you cry.
– Carl Sandburg –

Mother to child at the dinner table: “It seems like yesterday we practically had to hit you over the head to get you to eat your vegetables. Now all of a sudden you’re a vegetarian.
– Joe E. Buresch –

…nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people pretend to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it, tastes even better with capers not in it.
– Nora Ephron, Heartburn –

Overheard on a bus: “My worry about genetically altered vegetables is that my daughter seems to be dating one”.
– Bill Tammeus –

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.
– Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader –

Someone keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper.
– –

Some people cry when cutting onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond with the vegetable.
– constantly_varied_gear –

The beet is the most intense of vegetables. The radish, admittedly, is more feverish, but the fire of the radish is a cold fire, the fire of discontent, not of passion. Tomatoes are lusty enough, yet there runs through tomatoes an undercurrent of frivolity. Beets are deadly serious.
– Tom Robbins, ‘A Cook’s book of Quotations’ –

The connecting link between the animal and vegetable (plant) kindgom is stew.
– E.C. McKenzie –

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain –

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
– Dave Barry –

Then the zucchini started to arrive; first those lovely little delicacies, then the hefty meal-in-a-zucchini – the ones that can be stacked like cordwood or shipped off to the Guiness Book of World Records. At this point the neighbors finally realized that things were getting out of control. They had planted a 25 foot row.
– Harrowsmith #14 –

The question of common sense is always what is it good for? — a question which would abolish the rose and be answered triumphantly by the cabbage.
– James Russell Lowell –

To my favorite honeydew, do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you, with your turnip nose, and radish face.
You are a peach. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
– Author Unknown –

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
– Jim Davis –

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
– Fran Lebowitz, ‘Metropolitan Life’ –

“Vegetarian” is an old Indian word meaning “I don’t hunt so good.”
– Reg Hunter, The Red Green Show –

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
– Author Unknown –

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
– Author Unknown –

Zucchinis terrific!
Like bunnies, prolific!
– Author Unknown –


An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
– Author Unknown –

Anyone caught collecting golf balls will have their balls removed.
– Sign somewhere –

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
– Lee Trevino –

Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study ‘Shanks – No Thanks’ by R.K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M.S. Howard’s excellent ‘Tennis for Beginners’.
– Henry Beard –

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour.
– Alex Hay –

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
– Author Unknown –

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
– Robin Williams –

Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
– Paul Harvey –

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose
– Winston Churchill –

Golf is the most fun you can have with out taking your clothes off.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
– Bob Hope –

Good golf is easier to play – and far more pleasant – than bad golf.
– Babe Didrikson Zaharias –

His driving is unbelievable. I don’t go that far on my holidays.
– Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly –

I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.
– Jim Dent –

I don’t exaggerate — I just remember big.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
– Lee Trevino –

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
– Tom Mulligan –

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
– Jack Lemon –

I’ll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.
– Bruce Lansky –

I’m in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
– Lee Trevino –

I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
– Lee Trevino –

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
– Joe E. Lewis –

It’s so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one foot putt and everybody is saying “Shhh” and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling.
– Al McGuire –

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
– Hank Aaron –

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.
– Bob Hope –

I’ve heard people say putting is 50 percent technique and 50 percent mental. I really believe it is 50 percent technique and 90 percent positive thinking, see, but that adds up to 140 percent, which is why nobody is 100 percent sure how to putt.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
– George Brett –

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
– Bob Hope –

Long way… wrong way.
– A Golfers Lament –

Make thy ball lie in green pastures, not in still waters. (Arnie-3: par 72)
– Ben Hogan –

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
– Franklin P. Adams –

My handicap? Woods and irons.
– Chris Codiroli –

My game went so bad today, that I lost two balls in the ball washer.
– Author unknown –

One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water.
– Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament –

Some golfers blast their ball from traps,
With one adroit explosion,
But others, out in ten perhaps,
Depend upon erosion.
– Richard Armour –

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.
– John Updike –

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
– Bruce Lansky –

The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
– Author Unknown –

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
– Ray Floyd –

Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.
– Jack Nicklaus, on why he tees his ball high –

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.
– Bob Hope –

What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
– Walter Hagen –

When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.
– Dave Stockton –

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
– Author Unknown –

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
– Henny Youngman –

Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn’t float too well.
– Craig Stadler –

You know what they say about big hitters…the woods are full of them.
– Jimmy Demaret –

You know you’re on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.
– Bob Bruce –

You’ve just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.
– Sam Snead –

Math and Number


Apply shampoo to wet hair. Massage to lather, then rinse. Repeat.
– An infinite loop hair-washing algorithm –

I have a simple algorithm, which is, wherever you see paid researchers instead of grad students, that’s not where you want to be doing research.
– Larry Page –

I know how models are built, because I build them myself, so I know that I’m embedding my values into every single algorithm I create and I am projecting my agenda onto those algorithms.
– Cathy O’Neil –

Nothing will ever replace the experience of wandering haphazardly through a great bookstore, no matter how many algorithms are developed to find matches for our tastes. That’s because not only is there no accounting for taste, there is no predicting it either.
– Dominique Browning –

Someone from the Internet Writing Workshop sent me a link to the Gender Genie, where you paste in a section of text and it uses an algorithm to detect whether the author is male or female. Or, if you’re an author, you can tell whether you’re really nailing your opposite-sex characters. I mean, nailing their dialog.
– Max Barry –

The crucial problem isn’t creating new jobs. The crucial problem is creating new jobs that humans perform better than algorithms.
– Yuval Noah Harari, Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow –

The Facebook algorithm designers chose to let us see what our friends are talking about. They chose to show us, in some sense, more of the same. And that is the design decision that they could have decided differently. They could have said, “We’re going to show you stuff that you’ve probably never seen before.” I think they probably optimized their algorithm to make the most amount of money, and that probably meant showing people stuff that they already sort of agreed with, or were more likely to agree with.
– Cathy O’Neil –

The next question is how? How does news find us? What you need is a certain critical literacy about the fact that you are almost always subject to an algorithm. The most powerful thing in your world now is an algorithm about which you know nothing about.
– Kelly McBride –

There is no algorithm for creativity.
– Andy Hargreaves –

There is no Algorithm for Humor
– Robert Mankoff –

We don’t let a car company just throw out a car and start driving it around without checking that the wheels are fastened on. We know that would result in death; but for some reason we have no hesitation at throwing out some algorithms untested and unmonitored even when they’re making very important life-and-death decisions.
– Cathy O’Neil –

General Math

The Quippery

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
– Sign on a T-shirt –

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
– Charles Darwin –

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.
– Cokie Roberts –

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
– Author Unknown –

A talking sheepdog got all the sheep in the pen, then told the farmer “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” said the farmer.
“I know,” said the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
– Reader’s Digest –

Calvin: Help me with this homework, OK? What’s 6+3?
Hobbes: 6+3, eh? First we call the answer “Y” as in “Y do we care?” Now Y may be a square number, so we’ll draw a square and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we’ll measure the diagonal.
Calvin: I don’t remember the teacher explaining it like this.
Hobbes: She probably doesn’t know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math.
Calvin: But this diagonal is just a little under two.
Hobbes: OK, here, I’ll draw a bigger square.
– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes –

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
– Sign on a chalk board –

Don’t discuss infinity with a mathematician. You’ll never hear the end of it.
– Author Unknown –

Equations are the devil’s sentences.
– Stephen Colbert –

Fibonacci. It’s as easy as 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, …
– Numerous Authors –

Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec.
– J. Hart –

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…
– Reader’s Digest –

How I see math word problems:
Question: If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Answer: Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.
– Author Unknown –

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discrete.
– Author Unknown –

I know that two and two make four – and should be glad to prove it too if I could – though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into five it would give me much greater pleasure.
– George Gordon, Lord Byron –

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to 10. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
– M. Grundler –

Life without geometry is pointless.
– Author Unknown –

Mathematics is like childhood diseases. The younger you get it, the better.
– Arnold Sommerfeld –

Mathematics teachers call retirement ‘the aftermath’.
– Author Unknown –

Math – the only place where people can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why.
– –

Not everything that counts can be counted. Not everything that can be counted counts.
– Albert Einstein –

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
– Reader’s Digest –

Skinner’s Constant – that quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
– Author Unknown –

Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.
– Author Unknown –

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
– Fran Lebowitz –

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.
– Jimmy Fallon –

The trouble with integers is that we have examined only the very small ones. Maybe all the exciting stuff happens at really big numbers, ones we can’t even begin to think about in any very definite way. Our brains have evolved to get us out of the rain, find where the berries are, and keep us from getting killed. Our brains did not evolve to help us grasp really large numbers or to look at things in a hundred thousand dimensions.
– Ronald L. Graham –

Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark, isn’t it!?
– Author Unknown –

Today’s scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
– Nikola Tesla –

Trigonometry is a sine of the times.
– Author Unknown –

Understanding binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11.
– Author Unknown –

We will prove this by the method of prolonged staring.
– Joel Franklin –

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
– Author Unknown –

What part of s = \sqrt{\frac{1}{N-1} \sum_{i=1}^N (x_i – \overline{x})^2} don’t you understand?
– Author Unknown –

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply!”
All the animals departed, except for two snakes in the back. Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”
The snakes flicked their tongues and answered, “We can’t multiply, Noah, we’re Adders.”
– Reader’s Digest –


Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.
– Bill Cosby –

Some folks go through life pleased that the glass is half full. Others spend a lifetime lamenting that it’s half-empty. The truth is: There is a glass with a certain volume of liquid in it. From there, it’s up to you!
– Dr. James S. Vuocolo –

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
– George Carlin –

The algebraic simultaneous equation theorist says that if the glass is equally half full and half empty, then half full = half empty; therefore ½ x F = ½ x E; therefore (by multiplying both sides of the equation by 2) we show that F = E; i.e. Full equals Empty!
– –

The optimist says: “The glass is half-full.” The pessimist says: “The glass is half-empty”. And while they are arguing, the pragmatist takes the glass and drinks it.
– –

The professional trainer does not care if the glass is half full or half empty, he just knows that starting the discussion will give him ten minutes to figure out why his powerpoint presentation is not working.
– –

The scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn’t reach the top, the glass was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. Now what was the question again?
– –


If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
– Author Unknown –

I suffer from entertaining anxiety… a fear that I can’t juggle the timing of three things alchemically transforming themselves in dangerously hot places.
– Dominique Browning –

People can be divided into three groups – those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
– John W. Newbern –

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
– Will Rogers –

The development of a new product is a three step process – first, an American firm announces an invention; second, the Russians claim they made the same discovery twently years ago; third, the Japanese start exporting it.
– Unknown –

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.
– Charles Schultz –

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
– Mark Twain –

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math and those who aren’t.
– Author Unknown –

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
– Unknown –

Trio, triple, thirds say three.
As do triad, ternion and trilogy,
Triptych, trine and trichotomy,
Triangle, treble and trinity.
– Margy –

Marine Life


The Quippery

It is much better to eat little fish like sardines directly from the ocean, rather than after they have been filtered through a larger predator.
– Deep Sea News –

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow
– Author Unknown –

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The homely hen lays one;
The codfish never cackles,
To tell you when she’s done;
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize;
Which only goes to show you,
That it pays to advertise.
– Author Unknown –

What do you call a fish without an eye?
A fsh.
– Author Unknown –

What side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside
– Author Unknown –

What’s the King of Russia’s favourite fish?
– Author Unknown –


A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
– Author Unknown –

A country church – people wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were trout or northern pike.
– Author Unknown –

Bait – Live Worms – Guaranteed to catch fish or die trying.
– Author Unknown –

“Carpe Diem” does not mean “fish of the day.”
– Author Unknown –

Bass fishermen watch Monday night football, drink beer, drive pickup trucks and prefer noisy women with big breasts. Trout fishermen watch MacNeil-Lehrer, drink white wine, drive foreign cars with passenger-side air bags and hardly think about women at all. This last characteristic may have something to do with the fact that trout fishermen spend most of the time immersed up to the thighs in ice-cold water.
– Author Unknown –

Everyone should believe in something; I believe I’ll go fishing.
– Henry David Thoreau –

Fishing is a quest for knowledge and wonder as much as a pursuit of fish; it is as much an acquaintance with beavers, dippers, and other fishermen as it is the challenge of catching trout.
– Paul Schullery –

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
– Zenna Schaffer –

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
– Author Unknown –

Good things come to those who bait.
– Author Unknown –

I came across a tribe of cannibals who’d been converted by Roman Catholic missionaries. Now, on Friday, they only eat fishermen.
– Max Kauffmann –

If I fished only to capture fish, my fishing trips would have ended long ago.
– Zane Grey –

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.
– Jose Simon –

I think I fish, in part, because it’s an anti-social, bohemian business that, when gone about properly, puts you forever outside the mainstream culture without actually landing you in an institution.
– John Gierach –

It was always the biggest Fish I caught that got away.
– Eugene Field –

I used to like fishing because I thought it had some larger significance. Now I like fishing because it’s the one thing I can think of that probably doesn’t.
– John Gierach –

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
– Steven Wright –

Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.
– Jimmy D. Moore –

One man’s fish is another man’s poisson.
– Author Unknown –

Question: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common? Answer: They don’t really have to catch anything to be happy.
– Robert Orben –

Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into philosophers. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosopher’s salary.”
– Patrick McManus –

Sell a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man how to fish, you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
– Karl Marx –

Some fisherman view catch-and-release salmon fishing in much the same light as drinking crème de menthe and showing an unnatural interest in soft furnishings. They know some chaps do it – but they would not want one marrying their daughter or putting up for the Club.
– Author Unknown –

The best way to a fisherman’s heart is through his fly.
– Author Unknown –

The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad.
– A.K. Best –

There are two types of fisherman – those who fish for sport and those who fish for fish.
– Author Unknown –

Three-fourths of the Earth’s surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.
– Chuck Clark –


Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
– Sean Lock –

Sharks aren’t so bad. If a stranger came into my house wearing a speedo, I would probably attack him too.
– –

Sharks have been swimming the oceans unchallenged for thousands of years; chances are, the species that roams corporate waters will prove just as hardy.
– Eric Gelman –

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
– L.M. Boyd –


I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered along the beaches around the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
– Steven Wright –

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much — the wheel, New York, wars and so on — whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man — for precisely the same reasons.
– Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy –

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
– Variance on a quote by Stephen Wright –


Dory: Okay, he either said, “move to the back of the throat,” or he “wants a root beer float”.
– Dory the Blue Tang fish, while inside the whales mouth in ‘Finding Nemo’ –

Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale.
– Gabriel Garcia Marquez –

…if swimming is so good for the figure, how do you explain whales?
– Charles Saatchi –

You can’t catch a whale in Oklahoma. There’s a law against it. You can’t catch a whale in North Dakota, either. No law, just no whales.
– Gus McLeavy –



The Quippery

If happiness truly consisted in physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, I think, an American cow.
– William Lyon Phelps –

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
– Will Rogers –

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.”
– Ogden Nash, Free Wheeling –

The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
– John McNulty –

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticed this and asked the bull, “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd.” The bull replied, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
– Author Unknown –

To err is human; To moo is bovine.
– Author Unknown –

Tongue — a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of a dead cow.
– Bob Ekstrom –

Who was the first guy that look at a cow and said, “I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?
– Bill Watterson –

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
-Author Unknown –


An old friend once told me that if you were given a barn full of manure to shovel out, it was a tremendous idea to keep in mind that a pony had to be in there somewhere.
– Peter Jensen –

Don’t give your sons money. Give them horses. Many a good son has been ruined through the acquisition of money but no good son has been ruined through the acquisition of horses. Unless they fell and broke their neck, which when taken at the gallop is a very good death to die.
– Winston Churchill –

For the most part, I’d say if you crossed a cat with a smart dog, made him a matriarchal vegetarian, gave him sleek beauty, a mass of muscle, and the desire to run, then what you’d have is a horse.
– Tom Spanbauer –

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
– W.C. Fields –

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.
– Author Unknown –

Ride the horse in the direction it’s going.
– Werner Erhard –

The horse knows. If you know, he knows. He also knows if you don’t know.
– Ray Hunt –

There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse’s hooves: If one of the horse’s hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there’s probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you’re looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse.
– Terry Pratchett –

What did the mamma horse say to the baby horse?
It’s pasture bed time.
– Author Unknown –

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him participate in synchronized diving.
– Cuthbert Soup –


Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from the corn field.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower –

John Deere, I’m leaving you. In Case you don’t know why, it’s because my cousin Oliver told me you were messing around with Allis-Chalmers. I can’t believe I thought you were on the Farmall those times.
– Author Unknown –

It was always my belief that farmers developed strange theories of cause and effect because they spent too much time alone. A combination of incomplete information and a lack of critical review led to some odd conclusions. In the early days of farming, a reinforcing factor in all this was that horses seemed willing to accept almost any theory if it was accompanied by oats. It was a closed circle.
– Leonard G. Lee, Lee Valley Tools –

There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace.
– Aldo Leopold, A Sand County Almanac –

We Prairie folks figure crop circles are a sign that 1. there are other intelligent beings in the universe and 2. they’re farmers.
– Mike O’Brien –

You can make a small fortune in farming-provided you start with a large one.
– Author Unknown –


I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
– George Bernard Shaw –

I never met a pig I didn’t like. All pigs are intelligent, emotional, and sensitive souls. They all love company. They all crave contact and comfort. Pigs have a delightful sense of mischief; most of them seem to enjoy a good joke and appreciate music. And that is something you would certainly never suspect from your relationship with a pork chop.
– Sy Montgomery –

It’s no good running a pig farm badly for thirty years while saying, “Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.” By that time, pigs will be your style.
– Quentin Crisp –

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
– Alfred Hitchcock –


Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.
– Aesop Fables, The Milkmaid and her Pail –

Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
– William Jennings Bryan –

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
– Author Unknown –

The cocks may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the egg.
– Margaret Thatcher –

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
– Mark Twain –

The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.
– Martina Navratilova –

You can be a rooster one day and a feather duster the next.
– Frank McManus –


I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.
– Author Unknown –

Taxation: how the sheep are shorn.
– Edward Abbey –

The herd instinct among forecasters makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
– Edgar Fiedler –

Where does virgin wool come from? The sheep that runs the fastest.
– Harry F. Banks –

Death and Cemetery

Funeral, Burial and Cemetery

The Quippery

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come.
– Michael Gold (Jeff Goldblum), The Big Chill (1983) –

Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.
– William J. Clinton –

Cemetery: (n) A marble orchard not to be taken for granite.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t carry me off in a brass-handled coffin
With a wreath on my chest I won’t be ‘at rest’
There’s nothing much worse than a ride in a hearse
To a hole in the ground with just strangers around
No! bury me deep in the compost heap
Or pop me right under a nice floribunda
Its really much wiser to become fertiliser
Then I can grow roses as I decomposes.
– Joye Fothergill –

For as much as I hate the cemetery, I’ve been grateful it’s here, too. I miss my wife. It’s easier to miss her at a cemetery, where she’s never been anything but dead, than to miss her in all the places where she was alive.
― John Scalzi, Old Man’s War –

Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn’t have time.
– Author Unknown –

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
– Michael Pritchard –

Some hang above the tombs,
Some weep in empty rooms,
I, when the iris blooms,
– Mary Coleridge –

The gravestones are like rows of books bearing the names of those whose names have been blotted from the pages of life; who have been forgotten elsewhere but are remembered here.
― Dean Koontz, Fear Nothing –

The wrought iron ones are holding their shape, but the wooden ones have begun to lean, often as a unit, as if a meeting had been held and the angle of lean agreed upon for the year.
– Nancy Millar, Remember Me As You Pass By Stories from Prairie Graveyards –

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
– Garrison Keillor –


As for a future life, every man must judge for himself between conflicting vague probabilities.
– Charles Darwin –

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missing in action.
– Joseph Heller –

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
– J.J. Furnas –

Death is natures’ way of saying, “Your table is ready.”
– Robin Williams –

Death – when your body sets your spirit free.
– Author Unknown –

Did you hear about the plane that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
– Author Unknown –

DIED From not forwarding that text message to 10 people.
– Suggested Headstone inscription –

During a coffee break: “There must be something to reincarnation. It’s hard to believe that I could get this far behind in one lifetime.”
– Robert Orben –

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
– Somerset Maugham –

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
– P.J. O’Rourke –

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
– Johnny Carson –

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
– Author Unknown –

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen –

I don’t mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day.
– George Axlerod –

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my underwear drawer.
― Jarod Kintz –

I have considered all this, however, and it occurs to me that Dan, as admirable as he was in many ways, is not a good model for me. Dan’s dead.
– John Robert McFarland –

I have lost friends, some by death … others through sheer inability to cross the street.
– Virginia Woolf –

I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me. I want to be stuffed with crabmeat.
– Woody Allen –

In India when a man dies, his widow throws herself on the funeral pyre. Over here, she says, “Fifty ham baps, Beryl – you slice, I’ll butter.”
– Victoria Wood –

It is a good day to die.
– Sitting Bulls Warriors –

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen –

My mother said, “You’re not going to die.”
Did you believe her?
“Hey, when my mother says something you don’t dare question it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

One dies only once, and it’s for such a long time!
– J.B. Moliere Poquelin –

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.
– Woody Allen –

The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.
– Author Unknown –

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
– Woody Allen –

To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
– Oscar Wilde –

Welcome to hell. Here’s your accordion.
– Gary Larson –

What are a redneck’s last words? “Hey, y’all, watch this!”
– Author Unknown –

With the death of a husband or wife you lose your present; with the death of a parent the past; and with the death of a child you lose your future.
– Levy Shalom –

Alcohol and Soft Drink Quotations


The Quippery

Alternative Energy: A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drank an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
– Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader –

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
– Stephen Wright –

Canada has many competitive advantages in making world class beers: proximity to malt barley, large fresh water supply, educated workforce and more than 10 million local beer drinkers.
– Beer Canada –

I always do my best thinking over a glass of beer. Two heads are better than one.
– From the Best of Bridge –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Irwin Corey –

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
– Dave Barry –

When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.
– Samuel Butler –

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry –

Other Alcohol

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway –

Always remember, Clemmie, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Because you are wrong, you know, when you say that drink is a disease. It is the nostrum of the lost, the panacea of the unhappy. They drink to drown their sorrows, and because sorrows, alas, know how to swim, they must drink deeper and ever deeper.
– Katherine Roy –

Buck and Ear Pub
– Fun Pun Name found on the internet –

But I’m not so think as you drunk I am.
– Sir J.C. Squire –

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
– Author Unknown –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they’re dead.
– Laura Kightliner –

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

I’ll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
– Hawkeye – M*A*S*H 1973 –

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
-Author Unknown –

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine –

That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
– Charles Bukowski, Women –

There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.
– Stephen King –

To be safe on the Fourth
Don’t buy a fifth on the third.
– James H. Muehlbauer –

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
– Paul Clisura –

You can’t drown your sorrows; they know how to swim.
– Gladiola Montana, short version of quotation by Katherine Roy  –

Soft Drinks

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

Make no bones about it, soft drinks are taking over. If the soda industry has its way, kids will be pouring Coke over their Count Chocula.