The Quippery

6:15 in the morning! I’m not usually this upset until 10:00 A.M
– M.A.S.H –

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
– Unknown –

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
– John B. Priestly –

Am writing an essay on the life-history of insects and have abandoned the idea of writing on “How Cats Spend their time.
– W.N.P. Barbellion –

And when asked, I can say, “Well, no, I don’t know what time it is, but if you’re lost, I can help you. Because I’m not.
– Robert Fulghum –

Cancer is part of my life. But it’s only my body that has cancer all the time. It’s okay for my spirit to be free from it once in a while.
– John Robert McFarland, Now That I Have Cancer I am Whole –

Childhood is a place as well as a time.
– May Sarton –

During a coffee break: “There must be something to reincarnation. It’s hard to believe that I could get this far behind in one lifetime.
– Robert Orben, Orben’s Current Comedy –

For disappearing acts, it’s hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.
– Doug Larson –

Howard not only knew the story of Ferryland during his own family’s time, but he knew it, or felt it, as far back as history can go. That was a long way back since Ferryland is one of the places in Newfoundland where the patina of human occupation is thick enough to really soften the bony face of the old rock.
– Farley Mowat –

How did it get so late so soon?
― Dr. Seuss –

I see no advantage in these new clocks. They run no faster than the ones made 100 years ago.
– Henry Ford –

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
– Ashleigh Brilliant –

I write poetry not for publication but merely to kill time. Air planes are a good place to write poetry and then firmly throw it away. My collected works are mostly on the vomit bags of Pan American and TWA.
– Charles McCabe –

It’s no good running a pig farm badly for thirty years while saying, “Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.” By that time, pigs will be your style.
– Quentin Crisp –

It’s a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.
– J.K. Rowling, “The Hungarian Horntail,” Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000 –

It was always my belief that farmers developed strange theories of cause and effect because they spent too much time alone. A combination of incomplete information and a lack of critical review led to some odd conclusions. In the early days of farming, a reinforcing factor in all this was that horses seemed willing to accept almost any theory if it was accompanied by oats. It was a closed circle.
– Leonard G. Lee, Lee Valley Tools –

Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time.
– Charles M. Schulz –

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
– Tony Hendra –

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
– Jean Kerr –

Middle age is that time of life when you can feel bad in the morning without having had fun the night before.
– Unknown –

More than anytime in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
– Woody Allen –

Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.
– Ashley Brilliant –

Thank-you for our life together and for all the times in the past when you’ve understood when I forgot to say it… thank-you.
– Author Unknown –

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
– A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law, 1935 –

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
– Jean-Paul Sartre (1905–1980), Nausea –

Time, obviously, is relative. Two weeks on a vacation is not the same as two weeks on a diet.
– Author Unknown –

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.
– John Archibald Wheeler –

Time is a figure eight, at its center the city of Déjà vu.
– Robert Brault –

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
― Anthony G. Oettinger –

Warning: retiree – knows it all and has plenty of time to tell you about it.
– Unknown –

Winter is that discouraging time of the year when the house uses more fuel than the car.
– Doug Larson –

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
– R.C. Sheriff –

When you are REAL, you don’t mind being hurt. It doesn’t happen all at once. You become, it takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are REAL, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are REAL you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.
– Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit –

When told the reason for Daylight Saving time the old Indian said, “Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.”
– Unknown –

Why won’t they let a year die without bringing in a new one on the instant, can’t they use birth control on time?
– John Dos Passos, 1917 –

Woman to psychiatrist: “If my life were a movie, this is about the time I’d go to the snack bar.”
– Carrie Snow –


Christmas The Quippery

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home –

Colored lights blink on and off, racing across the green boughs. Their reflections dance across exquisite glass globes and splinter into shards against tinsel thread and garlands of metallic filaments that disappear underneath the other ornaments and finery.
– Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration –

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
– Clement Clarke Moore, A Visit from St. Nicholas, 1823 –

How about we agree to leave Santa (and Frosty and all storybook characters) to the kids so the grown-ups can deal with real world issues, like adults?
– Stephen Ewart, Calgary Herald, November 29, 2011 –

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow –

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!
– Dave Barry –

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
– Author Unknown –

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!
– Written by John Rox, sung by Gayla Peevey in 1953 –

My eggnog recipe is pretty special. It could be that it’s actually flavourful and doesn’t just taste like sweet milk (or maybe it’s just the bourbon, who knows?), but the holidays aren’t the holidays without it.
– Jamie Oliver –

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit.
– Ken Hubbard –

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies!
– Francis Pharcellus Church –

Some of the most wonderful things have to be believed to be seen. Like flying reindeer and angels. Like peace on earth, goodwill, hope, and joy. Real because they can be imagined into being. Christmas is not a date on a calendar but a state of mind.
– Robert Fulghum –

The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
– Jay Leno –

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
– Author Unknown –

1914 WWI Christmas Truce
‘Twas Christmas in the trenches, where the frost so bitter hung
The frozen fields of France were warmed as songs of peace were sung
For the walls they’d kept between us to exact the work of war
Had been crumbled and were gone for evermore.

My name is Francis Tolliver, in Liverpool I dwell
Each Christmas come since World WarI I’ve learned its lessons well
That the ones who call the shots won’t be among the dead and lame
And on each end of the rifle we’re the same.
– ©1984 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP), Water from Another Time: a Retrospective –

Politics and Government


4-socialism The Quippery

A fine city with too many socialists and mosquitoes. At least you can spray the mosquitoes.
– Ralph Klein speaking in 1990 as a Progressive Conservative MLA from the City of Calgary –

Canadians often point out that while the American constitution promises “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” the constitution of Canada – written in the 1860s in England – sets a more modest goal: “Peace, order, and good government.”
– Robert Fulford –

Here in Canada, national political campaigns are brief: We begin by pretty much ignoring the whole thing for a few weeks – then there’s a debate, a little yelling, maybe some pointing, every leader buys a bunch of Timbits and, boom, suddenly it’s election day.
But in the United States, presidential campaigns last longer than all pregnancies and most wars.
– Scott Feschuk, MACLEAN’S Magazine, September 3, 2012 –

The trouble lies in the fact that a Canadian Prime Minister has never been exiled to the Arctic.
– Stefansson Vilhjalmeer –

To create a housing shortage in a huge country, heavily wooded, with a small population – ah, that’s the proof of pure political genius.
– Author Unknown –


A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
– Caskie Stinnett –

An intelligent Russian once remarked to us, “Every country has it’s own constitution; ours is absolutism, moderated by assassination.”
– Georg Herbert –

A politician can appear to have his nose to the grindstone while straddling a fence and keeping both ears to the ground.

Arguing with Liberals – It’s like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, crap on the board, and strut around like it is victorious.
– Author Unknown –

By keeping the population in a state of artificially heightened apprehension, the government-cum-media prepares the ground for planting specific measures of taxation, regulation, surveillance, reporting, and other invasions of the people’s wealth, privacy, and freedoms.
– Robert Higgs -Fear: The Foundation of Every Government’s Power –

“Dad”, the little boy asked, “Do political plums grow from seeds?” “No, son,” replied the father. “They’re the result of clever grafting.”

Democracy consists of choosing our dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
– Alan Coren –

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to communism, which is too dull, or Facism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government. This is not to say that it is without its drawbacks – chief among them being its regrettable tendency to encourage people in the belief that all men are created equal. And although the vast majority need only take a quick look around the room to see that this is hardly the case, a great many remain utterly convinced.
– Fran Lebowitz –

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
– H. L. Mencken –

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
– James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) –

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper.
– Robert Orben –

Dogbert’s Home Safety Tips #2 – Your household may have a member who can legally vote but probably shouldn’t.
– Scott Adams –

Fear mongering is the deliberate use of fear based tactics including exaggeration and continuous repetition to alter the perception of the public in order to achieve a desired outcome.
– Wikipedia –

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
– Author Unknown –

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
– George Bernard Shaw –

How does a bureaucrat wink? He opens one eye.
– Author Unknow –

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
– Author Unknown –

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
– Winston Churchill –

I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
– Need to Vent Freely –

Managers and supervisors with large numbers of people under them – each with his own ideas – must sometimes feel like Charles DeGaulle, who once lamented, “Nobody can simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese.
– Author Unknown –

Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
– Norman Ralph Augustine –

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing.
– Jean Baptiste Colbert –

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
– Winston Churchill –

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain –

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
– Maureen Murphy –

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
– George Burns –

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
– Kurt Vonnegut –

What if I told you that the left wing and the right wing belong to the same bird.
– Indian Observation –

Why doesn’t a bureaucrat look out his office window in the morning? Because he needs something to do in the afternoon.–


A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.
– Dave Barry-

A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.
– Gerald R. Ford –

A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be.
– Rosalynn Carter –

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
– Johnny Carson –

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
– Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University –

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
– Ronald Reagan –

I don’t think America should elect any President in 2016. We kneed to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
– Author Unknown –

I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first four hundred people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.
– William F Buckley –

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
– Jon Stewart –

I feel like Trump and Clinton are two divorced parents, fighting for custody of us. And we just wanna go live with grandma.
– Laugh OR Croak –

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
– Bumper Sticker –

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
– Abraham Lincoln –

I’ll be glad to reply to or dodge your questions, depending on what I think will help our election most.
– George H. W. Bush –

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
– Adlai Stevenson –

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
– Author Unknown –

The American taxpayer is another scarce natural resource that will be depleted unless used only when absolutely necessary.
– Author Unknown –

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
– Ronald Reagan –

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
– Ronald Reagan –

The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open.
– someecards –

…this (American) presidential campaign is about twice the average gestation period of an orangutan. The 2016 Canadian federal election will have a gestation period between that of a wolf (64 days) and a leopard (94 days). A mere nothing.
– David Shribman, Globe and Mail, August 4, 2015 –

Trump is what happens when you spent the last 7 Thanksgiving dinners lecturing your angry uncle from your Vox index cards.
– Clarice Feldman, American Thinker, November 13, 2016 –

Trump uses Twitter like a stick with words written on it. Think about a man using that stick to poke a bear. The stick keeps the man away from the bear, but he can still poke the bear with his stick. So he pokes and prods and pushes the bear with the stick.
– Willis Eschenbach –
Willis then asks the question – does it matter what is written on the stick (which is what the media dissects word by word) or is the only thing worth considering: what does the bear do when it is poked?

What could be worse for a creaky, cancerous political system than what the Democratic and Republican parties are brewing up? Nothing really. This is as bad as it gets… First: Do I even bother to vote?
For those who do cast a ballot, there is the even sadder choice: Which candidate do I loathe the least?
– Ron Fournier, The Atlantic, American election 2016

Years from now, when telling my future grandchildren about 2015, I will speak at length about the treachery, fibs, toxic scoops, deceits, tall tales, viral hoaxes, half-truths, tomfoolery, unverified junk and fake news.
“What a time to be alive,” I will say. “You just didn’t know what to believe in 2015.”
– From The Truth Wasn’t Out There –


intelligent-tv The Quippery

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
– Dave Barry –

How can you put on a meaningful drama or documentary that is adult, incisive, probing, when every fifteen minutes the proceedings are interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper?
– Rod Serling, speech at Ithaca College (New York), quoted in Reader’s Digest, vol.121, 1982 –

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library and read a good book.
– Groucho Marx –

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
– Erma Bombeck

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
– Joey Adams –

Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

Television has changed a child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.
– Author Unknown –

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
– Milton Berle –

Life and What it Is

The Quippery

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s the same damn thing over and over.
– Edna St. Vincent Millay –

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to know what it’s supposed to look like. Sometimes, you’re not even sure if you have all of the pieces.
–  A Whack on the Side of the Head –

Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time.
– Charles M. Schulz –

Life is hard. Then you die. In between you are a volunteer.
– Author Unknown (This was my ‘mantra’ during all those years of being on Volunteer Boards!) –

Life is lumpy. And a lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in a breast are not the same lump. One should learn the difference.
– Robert Fulghum (I collected quotes like this when our youngest child had cancer.) –

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
– John W. Gardner –

Life is so very simple when you have no facts to confuse you.
– Peg Bracken –

Life is tragic, but not necessarily serious.
– Author Unknown –

Life is full of choices – Remove your shoes or mop the floor.
– Author Unknown –

Life is short… ask directions.
– Author Unknown –

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
– Author Unknown –

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
– John Lennon –

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
– Author Unknown –

Life isn’t a vicarious experience. You get it figured out and then one day life happens to you. You prepare yourself for grief and loss, arrange your ballast and then the wave swamps the boat.
– Garrison Keillor –

Life itself is like an onion: it has a bewildering number of layers; you peel them off, one by one, and sometimes you cry.
– Carl Sandburg –

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
– Mark Twain –

Mid-life means that you become more reflective…You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much ‘Healthy Choice’ ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
– Author Unknown –

Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.
– The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon –

Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these.
– Susan B. Anthony –

The answer to the great question of… Life, the Universe and Everything…is… Forty-two.
– Douglas Adams –

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
– Bill Watterson –

We believe in the individual’s capacity to grow, develop and change throughout life; that life is the process of becoming, not simply being.
– CP/RA –

Winners expect to win in advance. Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
– Author Unknown –

Wine – From the Vintner’s Cellar

The QuipperyThoughts to put you in a Wine Frame of Mind:

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
– Joan Collins –

[A] hangover is the wrath of grapes.
– Youngman 1987 –

A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. ‘Much obliged’, said he, pushing the plate aside; ‘I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills.’
– Jean-Antheleme Brillat-Savarin –

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
– W.C. Fields –

If your Doctor said you could drink wine or be skinny, would you choose Red or White?
– Author Unknown –

I have great faith in the people; as for their wisdom, well, Coca-Cola still outsells champagne.
– Adlai Stevenson –

I thank god for my children everyday. Without them I’d never have known how well red wine complements chicken nuggets.
– Author Unknown –

It’s no longer ‘box wine’. The classy term is ‘Cardboardeaux’.
– someecards.com –

Okay, so it has sophisticated assertiveness, presumptuous breeding, crisp authority, complex balance, elegant power, and respected finesse: What does it taste like?
– Marvin O. Myers –

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
– W.C. Fields –

Temperamentally they go together like port and… something that doesn’t go with port.
– Nancy Banks Smith –

Well, dinner would have been splendid…if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
– George Carlin –


When I am asked, as I sometimes am, what is the bottle of wine I have most enjoyed, I have to answer that it was probably some anonymous Italian fiasco that I drank one starlit Tyrrhenian night under a vine-covered arbour, while a Neapolitan fiddler played “Come Back to Sorrento” over the veal cutlet of the young woman I had designs on, and all the world was twenty years younger. Or, now I come to think of it, the bottle of cheap and dubious St Emilion that was all that the pub across the road had to offer when my wife and I had our first restaurant meal together after our son was born….
For not only is taste in wine as subjective as taste in women, but its enjoyment depends more on circumstances than does that of almost any other pleasure.
– Cyril Ray (1908–1991), “The Wine when it is Red,” In a Glass Lightly, 1967 –

When you get a wine hangover, it’s called the Grape Depression.
– Author Unknown –

Why do we call a wine sampler a ‘flight of wines’?
The other names used for a group of similar things didn’t take off.

Why can’t I be comforted by carrots? Why does it have to be chocolate or wine?
– someecards.com –